Hawaii judge rules Trump Muslim travel ban would kill Hawaii Visitor Industry

Screen Shot 2017-03-29 at 6.22.34 PM

Federal Judge, and former Choom Gang member Derrick Watson

Today, Federal Judge Derrick Watson extended his block on Trump’s immigration policy citing Hawaii’s dependence on Muslim visitors.

“Hawaii has become completely dependent on the flow of Muslim visitors from Syria, Sudan, Iran, Libya and other Middle Eastern Countries,” said Watson. “They now make up over 80% of our visitor population, and Trump’s reckless immigration policy could completely destroy our tourism industry.”

“If you lived in our county you’d want a nice vacation in Hawaii too.” added vacationing ISIL commander Sayed Omar. “I mean, really, Syria is a giant exploding shit hole.”

MuslimHoliday copy

Most people don’t realize that Hawaii is now totally dependent on Muslim tourism

Catering to the new Muslim majority was confirmed by Hawaii Tourism Authority head George Cigaretti. “We’ve seen a steady rise in Muslim visitors over the last five years, and they are now pretty much the whole ball game,” said Cigaretti. “We hardly ever see any Japanese or Canadians any more.”

Cigaretti also confirmed that 90% of the visitor industry advertising budget is now being spent in the Middle East and North Africa.  The “Jihad in Paradise Fly-Away” campaign will start airing in targeted Muslim no-go zones throughout Europe in early April.

Among the changes made in the visitor industry to accommodate the newly dominant visitor demographic HTA cited:

  1. Signs and publications featuring Arabic and Farsi translations.
  2. No more TSA or other pesky airline security screening
  3. Goat luaus instead of pigs
  4. All Jews were relocated to Molokai
  5. All tropical drinks banned
  6. Prayer towers in Waikiki with calls to prayer every two hours
  7. Free Al Jazeera channel in all rooms

City lifeguards have had to adapt to some new issues as well.

“When their burkas get waterlogged, they go down like a sack of rocks,” said head lifeguard Kimo Schwartz. “We get a lot more heat strokes too.”

Screen Shot 2017-03-29 at 6.13.40 PM

A DAESH spokesman said their recent propaganda videos, shot on Oahu’s North Shore, would not have been possible without the State’s generous film production tax credits.