Golfer Robert Allenby comes clean on Honolulu abduction story

Allenby says it's time to explain what really happened,

Allenby says it’s time to explain what really happened,

After being criticized by the media for inconsistencies in his story, pro golfer Robert Allenby has come clean with what he says is the real story of what happened at Honolulu’s Amuse Wine Bar.

“I should not have made up that stuff about being kidnapped by North Korean agents, but no one would have believed the real story,” said Allenby. “Thank God, a witness came forward with that photograph…now I can tell the truth.”

New photo surfaces that shows Allenby's abduction taking place.

New photo surfaces that shows Allenby’s abduction taking place.

Allenby was referring to an astonishing photo that has come forward showing what looks like a UFO hovering over the Honolulu Design Center and “beaming” what appears to be Allenby aboard the craft.

“That what happened by Crikey,” confirmed Allenby. “I was taking a whiz and the next thing I know I’m rising up through a hole in the roof, right into that dam saucer.”

“Those dam little gray buggers stole my wallet, shoved a probe up my arse and dropped me into that planter where they found me,” explained the battered golfer. “I hate those little bastards.”

Recent surveillance video released by the police reinforces the latest version of this story. Video taken later that night shows what could best be described as a gray alien using Allenby’s Mastercard in an attempt to purchase tequila at a convenience store less than a mile from where the abduction took place.

Surveillance footage shows attempt to use Allenby's stolen credit card

Surveillance footage shows attempt to use Allenby’s stolen credit card

Ben Cayetano Finally Releases His Alternative Transit Plan

Ben Cayetano unveiled this artist’s rendering that shows how his new BRT system will look.

Today, Ben Cayetano, anti-rail candidate for Honolulu Mayor, unveiled his long awaited alternative transit plan to replace rail.  Ben admitted that it wasn’t easy keeping all of his supporters happy with the final plan, as each has pretty strong opinions about what should be done.

“We call our new plan Super BRT!” Exclaimed Cayetano. “it stands for Bambucha Reject Technology.”

The plan incorporates a half dozen ideas and technologies that have already been abandoned as obsolete, too dependent on imported oil, or just plain lolo.  However, the Cayetano team insists that when all used together they miraculously produce a superior solution.

“We decided to build a new plan that had everyone’s ideas all merged together,” explained Cayetano. “We even put a couple of those crappy Philius buses in, so Ann can finally take that trip to Denmark.”

The existing city buses will be repainted with the new BRT logo, and the fleet will be augmented by leasing private buses from Charlie’s and other tour operators.

“We felt it was important to cut small business in, and you know, let them wet their beaks a little,” explained Cayetano.

The completed plan calls for building an elevated HOT lane highway, as originally proposed by Cliff Slater. This would allow for the implementation of Jeremy Harris’s BRT plan without taking any lanes from Dillingham Boulevard.  Instead the gigantic elevated structure will go down Nimitz Highway as an extention of the existing H-1 viaduct.  the first toll booths will be set up near Aloha Stadium for access to the viaduct, other non paying traffic will have to use the old Nimitz Highway underneath the structure.

“We should be able to make $10 a pop on everyone coming and going to the airport or the Arizona Memorial,” beamed Cayetano.

“We were pressed by the Outdoor Circle about the ‘visual blight’ thing, because our structure is over twice as big as the current rail guide way,” said Cayetano.  “But, when we showed them our plan to paint it like a giant hibiscus hedge, they were all for it.”

The end of the elevated section will be at Aloha Tower, whose parking lot will be condemed for the Panos Prevedorous Tunnel.  This way no views will be blocked from judges offices in the Federal Court Building. We had a hard time figuring out what to do with all the traffic when it gets downtown, so we will send it all into the tunnel.  Where the tunnel emerges is still being debated by Cayetano’s team, but most agreed it will likely be Kahala Mall where the town-bound traffic is lighter.

“It is sort of a bypass of downtown altogether,” said Prevedorous.  “I always wanted to build a tunnel somewhere, so when Ben asked me what I wanted out of this I jumped at it.”

“The commuters from the Leeward Side have always been envious of our easy commute from East Honolulu,” added Panos. “This will allow them to zip under the city and then experience the more pleasant commute from the other side.”

The Cayetano plan guarantees such high cost to travel it will finally reduce traffic.

When asked if they had evaluated any new technology Cayetano was quick to respond, “Well, Exxon and the Koch Brothers pretty much insisted that everything run on petroleum, so we were kind of limited there.”

Asked how much his plan would cost to build compared to rail, Cayetano was less committal. “We have Dennis Mitsunaga looking at it right now, and we think we can bring it in for about the same price range between $5 and $10 billion.”