City uses federal anti-immigrant funds for major wall projects

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Caldwell: If Trump wants walls, we’ll give him walls.

You may have noticed the city’s first major wall project sprout up at Thomas Square.

Major Caldwell announced today that Honolulu has accepted millions of dollars in federal funding earmarked for erecting immigrant barrier walls.

Trump administration officials praised Mayor Caldwell and Honolulu for being among the first major municipalities to sign the “We Ain’t No Stinkin Sanctuary” pledge and receive the federal funds.

According to Mayor Caldwell, the Trump administration made the funding available based on the city’s report that many of the homeless currently invading Honolulu’s city parks appear to be Mexicans or Muslims.

The Mayor conceded, “We fudged the ‘Mexican’ thing a little bit in order to get the feds to bite, but there’s a heck of a lot of money up for grabs.”

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Honolulu will continue to construct walls, like this one at Thomas Square, as long as federal funds hold out.

“We needed the money to help combat homelessness,” said Caldwell. “Since the bums head straight for the parks, we thought building a wall would slow them down and get them to move elsewhere.”

After numerous failed attempts to curb the homeless in urban Honolulu, the Mayor’s team though the walls might finally provide the answer. Since the Thomas Square wall went up reports of homeless (or anyone else) in the park have dropped dramatically.

The city said walls around Ala Moana Beach Park should completed by the end of March.

Hammer Time

Rep. Brower drops the hammer on the homeless.

Rep. Brower drops the hammer on the homeless.

Colorful State Representative Tom Brower is pounding away in his district of Waikiki. According to today’s StarAdvertiser, Rep. Brower has begun accosting homeless people and absconding with their shopping carts.  If it still has a store logo on it, he returns it to the owner; if not, he pounds it into oblivion with his mighty sledgehammer!  The police have hinted that his swift street justice may be circumventing the law, in that he doesn’t really take the time to determine who the legal owner is (including the homeless person) before he “swings” into action and hammers home his point.

Be forewarned. The next time granny is hobbling home from the supermarket with a borrowed cart, she may come face to face with the real life Super Mario and be pounded into submission.

MarioHammer

Mayor Carlisle: “Rats are like homeless!”

Giant homeless rats are now everywhere according to Mayor Carlisle.

Mayor Carlilse was recently quoted as drawing a controversial parallel between homeless and rats. During a televised interview Carlisle had plenty to say on the record.

“Have you seen those rats in Chinatown lately?” said Carlilse.  “Not only are they getting really big, but they are everywhere…pushing shopping carts, selling drugs and sleeping in entryways.”

“It was bad enough when they were jumping around and partying at the Chinatown Market at night, but now they’re all over the street, breaking into cars, pimping and accosting people on the sidewalk,” continued the Mayor.

Downtown residents have complained vociferously to City Hall about the growing homeless rat problem.

Local shopkeeper, Sum Dum Guoy spoke for several residents on his block, “The old homeless actually not as bad, ya they stinky, but so what?  These new rat homeless have very bad attitude, they snap at you and pee on door…rat turds now size of dam football!”

Many criticized the Governor’s pre-APEC homeless sweep for creating the new problem.  They pointed out that the removal of the human homeless paved the way for the rat homeless to evolve and take their ecological niche.

The Governor’s Office pointed to some limited success in finding jobs and clothes for the rat homeless.

The Governor’s office said they are working to address the new problem, and point to some preliminary success where several of the hard core rat homeless now have jobs other than selling crack and petty theft.  Some are even starting to wear clothes.