Hawaii judge rules Trump Muslim travel ban would kill Hawaii Visitor Industry

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Federal Judge, and former Choom Gang member Derrick Watson

Today, Federal Judge Derrick Watson extended his block on Trump’s immigration policy citing Hawaii’s dependence on Muslim visitors.

“Hawaii has become completely dependent on the flow of Muslim visitors from Syria, Sudan, Iran, Libya and other Middle Eastern Countries,” said Watson. “They now make up over 80% of our visitor population, and Trump’s reckless immigration policy could completely destroy our tourism industry.”

“If you lived in our county you’d want a nice vacation in Hawaii too.” added vacationing ISIL commander Sayed Omar. “I mean, really, Syria is a giant exploding shit hole.”

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Most people don’t realize that Hawaii is now totally dependent on Muslim tourism

Catering to the new Muslim majority was confirmed by Hawaii Tourism Authority head George Cigaretti. “We’ve seen a steady rise in Muslim visitors over the last five years, and they are now pretty much the whole ball game,” said Cigaretti. “We hardly ever see any Japanese or Canadians any more.”

Cigaretti also confirmed that 90% of the visitor industry advertising budget is now being spent in the Middle East and North Africa.  The “Jihad in Paradise Fly-Away” campaign will start airing in targeted Muslim no-go zones throughout Europe in early April.

Among the changes made in the visitor industry to accommodate the newly dominant visitor demographic HTA cited:

  1. Signs and publications featuring Arabic and Farsi translations.
  2. No more TSA or other pesky airline security screening
  3. Goat luaus instead of pigs
  4. All Jews were relocated to Molokai
  5. All tropical drinks banned
  6. Prayer towers in Waikiki with calls to prayer every two hours
  7. Free Al Jazeera channel in all rooms

City lifeguards have had to adapt to some new issues as well.

“When their burkas get waterlogged, they go down like a sack of rocks,” said head lifeguard Kimo Schwartz. “We get a lot more heat strokes too.”

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A DAESH spokesman said their recent propaganda videos, shot on Oahu’s North Shore, would not have been possible without the State’s generous film production tax credits.

The re-packaging of Beth Fukumoto

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Beth Fukumoto, erstwhile leader of the tiny Republican Minority in Hawaii’s House of Representatives is the latest example of the re-launching of a completely manufactured political “star.” Her recent jump to the Democratic Party was a tour de force of carefully rehearsed speeches and other professionally orchestrated media whoring, but it wasn’t news. Everyone at the Capitol knew she’d been planning to do this for the last two years.

When every other word out of your mouth is inflammatory Democrat authored epithets: “racist, bigot, misogynist, hater, homophobe, etc.,” hurled at the political party you are supposed to be “leading,” you might meet with some suspicion from your fellow Republicans.

At the recent state Republican convention she gave a speech that she probably had focus-grouped to guarantee it would be booed. She wanted to punch her “victim” ticket.

Many think Ms Fukumoto was told to hang back when her comrade Aaron Johanson (ironically, also a former Republican Minority Leader) jumped parties, so as to cause as much chaos and sabotage as possible before finally getting kicked out.

The R’s finally voted Beth out as their Minority Leader after growing weary of her constantly spouting off like an Occupy Democrats meme every day. This besmirching of her resume was the final trigger; the time was ripe for dramatically sticking it to the Grand Old Party.

Following Ms Fukumoto’s moderately convincing Kabuki theater performance she was hailed as a heroine of feminism, diversity and other mythical liberal values. The story went national to a hungry liberal audience that was starving for good news. An attractive minority “Republican” who has seen the light and renounced her misguided past, repulsed by the evil, villainous Trump. She will undoubtedly be granted the fast track for political rehabilitation.

Fukumoto couldn’t explain away her previously conservative “values” fast enough. That vote against same-sex marriage…it was a simply lapse of judgment where she erroneously thought her job was to represent what her constituents wanted. In a recent video Fukumoto appears deep in though before she resumes reading her script, “we have to be very careful that we don’t succumb to this…(pretends to be thinking)…POPULISM.” It should be noted that the video cut away to Hawaii citizens holding signs that read, “let the people decide.” To Fukumoto, representing the will of the people is now a sign of weakness. She will make a good Democrat.

National film crews swooned, Elle, Cosmo and Huffington Post fawned and gushed, and predictable old political toady columnists croaked her praises. Beth was finally basking in the much sought-after lefty adulation.

The reality, however,  is that we are not witnessing the second coming of John F. Kennedy or even Tulsi Gabbard. Her 15 minutes of fame are almost over and she will soon disappear into the belly of beast… absorbed as just another minion of the Democrat Machine carrying water for her elders…yet quietly plotting her next lunge for the gold ring.
Kabuki

Book Review: Campaign Hawaii

Caption: The book’s cover appropriately features union worker’s lined up waving campaign signs because they are afraid not to.

The book’s cover appropriately features union workers lined up waving campaign signs for Democrats because they’re afraid not to.

By Atom Monk

Campaign Hawaii by Rick Tsujimura is possibly the worst book written since Neil Abercrombie’s Blood of Patriots.

As a writer, Tsujimura, should stick to the backroom shenanigans of a Democrat insider where he truly excels. His prose style can best be described as lawyerly, ponderous and sleep-inducing.

Tsujimura meticulously footnotes various sources that were biased op-ed bullshit the day they were published. Presenting them as settled fact today will not make them smell any better.

Tucked between the stupefying platitudes are nuggets of stunningly pompous self-congratulatory twaddle. This is another in a long line of “Democrat good…Republican bad” opuscules churned out by party apparatchiks who can’t bend over far enough for the totalitarian regime that has lorded over Hawaii for over 50 years.

Tsujimura

Rick Tsujimura

Tsujimura repeatedly conjures up the metaphor of “sparrows” to portray the loyal, faceless, humble worker bees of Democrat grassroots campaigns. Anybody who has ever eaten outdoors at a McDonalds knows that sparrows are flying rats hell bent on stealing your food. They will also gleefully shit on your table. Tsujimura judiciously omits the parts where his noble “sparrows” stayed up all night running fax machines in order to slander their political enemies or when they launched massive defamatory whispering/chirping campaigns.

If you like to wallow in sanctimonious manure about imaginary moral superiority (coming from a lawyer) you may find merit with this onerous snooze fest. If you like to endure the gushing deification of garden-variety political operatives this outright corruption of history will be a delight.

The most unforgivable aspect of this unfortunate literary black hole is that it is relentlessly boring and unreadable. Take for example this turn of snappy prose:

“Because of the possibility of revenue shortfalls, I recommended that budget and service cutback contingencies be put in place.”

Or, this revelatory maxim about a winning political strategy:

“We often spread our sign holders about five to six feet apart, although ten feet is really preferable, because of the angle of sight as people drive by…”

Do yourself a favor and buy a good bottle of wine at Costco rather than waste the outrageous $17 for this paperback propaganda leaflet.

We rate this book: no votes

Abercrombie D.O.E. unveils new “equality” era textbooks

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The early reading books will be produced to reflect 432 lifestyle variants.

In anticipation of the legalization of same-sex marriage being promoted by the Governor, his administration has already begun the process of bringing public education resources up-to-date.

D&JcollageDepartment of Education curriculum specialist, Carolyn Fuji-Matsuda, displayed a series of new “Dick & Jane” reading primers for the media today.

“What was difficult to achieve was incorporating all the possible new “equality” options available to modern progressive families,” said Ms. Fuji-Masuda. “We started with a simple male gay couple variant, but soon realized that we had to have a lesbian couple, a gay and lesbian couple with minority racial partners, and then every possible variant of lesbian, gay, racial minority and physical disability.”

The mathematical possibilities are staggering and all are “civil rights” according to the governor.  The early reading books had to be made in a total of 432 variations, and children, beginning in kindergarten will be required to read all of them equally.

“It is about fairness,” said Fuji-Matsuda.

According to the D.O.E., Governor Abercrombie’s “equality” initiative will promote a broader understanding and acceptance of the variations of human interaction and sexuality.  On the downside, because of the shear volume of alternate lifestyles that must be presented, high school graduates will still be reading at the second grade level.

Japanese visitor runs amok in Waikiki

When he first arrived with his JTB tour  group Godzilla was a manageable 9 ft. tall.

When he first arrived with his JTB tour
group Godzilla was a manageable 9 ft. tall.

Godzilla first came to Hawaii in May with a JTB tour group and was booked into the Royal Hawaiian Hotel.  According to the hotel’s manager, Minami Hiroshi, there weren’t too many problems at first.

“He did defecate in the pool once, but that happens from time to time,” said Mr. Hiroshi. “But, he kept getting bigger and injured other guests when he crowded into the elevator.”

JTB tour guide Misuo Tanabe said the trouble escalated with his constant patronage of Todai’s all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.  “He went there several times a day…and in just a few weeks ballooned up to well over 20,000 tons.”

At that point his attitude also became increasingly hostile.  There as an incident at the Kalakaua Chanel store where he became upset while haggling over prices and ate several clerks.  He then proceeded to destroy half of the Royal Hawaiian Shopping Center and part of the Outrigger.

JTB was contacted and asked to have Godzilla returned to Japan.

“You tell him.” Said Ms Tanabe. “He’s a dam 200 foot fire breathing dinosaur thing.”

Godzilla has outgrown his suite at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and now lives inside Diamond Head Crater

Godzilla has outgrown his suite at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and now lives inside Diamond Head Crater

The Growing Owl Menace

The last thing Hawaii expected was a Jihadi Owl on Thanksgiving,

Hawaii’s close call with a full scale terrorist attack came at the end of last year.  A Snowy Owl tried to penetrate secure air space over the Honolulu International Airport, but was blasted from the skies by the alert actions of the Hawaii Department of Defense. The Governor had been advised previously of the suspicious movements of Snowy Owls, and had been tipped off by Federal authorities about the growing connections between the owls and known terrorist organizations.

There are now over 300 Snowy Owls held at GITMO.  Several have been interrogated  by anti-terrorist agencies and have given up other owl cells as far south as Seattle.

Some Homeland Security experts theorize that the owls have been training for suicide missions around some of America’s busiest airports.  The fairly large owl could fly directly into a jet’s intake during take off possibly causing a deadly crash.

“We knew these owls were showing up where they shouldn’t and had been seen hanging around with known Al Qaeda operatives,” said the Governor. “We had information that they were on international “no fly” lists, so didn’t really think it was likely they’d ever reach Hawaii.”

But, little known to the Governor, owls don’t need to board jet planes to travel.  According to the Governor, “It’s pretty obvious to me that when one of these birds flys 3,000 miles to get to Hawaii it isn’t planning a vacation.”

The owl proved no match for Hawaii's crack troops.

The Gov activated his State Department of Defense that immediately deployed around the Airport.  After a brief fire fight the owl was killed.  According to one military officer on the scene, who asked not to be identified, the owl refused all instructions to land and surrender itself, though the orders were broadcast in English, Arabic and Canadian. This gave them little choice but to open fire and bring the confrontation to an immediate and decisive end. Some speculated that the Governor had given “kill on sight” instructions and there had been no real attempt to capture the bird alive.

“The President has Seal Team Six, and I have my DOD,” said a beaming Governor, “and we kicked some white, feathery butt out there.”

SPECIAL TROLL-A-RAMA BONUS: COUNCILMAN BERG ON OWL DEBACLE

Obama Has A “Dan Quayle” Moment

President Obama greets a startled Abercrombie in fluent Mandarin.

At the recent APEC gathering in Hawaii, President Obama mistakenly referred to their current location as “Asia.”  It’s the type of misspeak made famous by Republican candidate Dan Quayle.  The sort that gets the Liberal media howling and condemning the transgressor as “too stupid to be electable.”  You know, the sort of mobbing they reserve for the faux pas by the Quayles, Palins, Cains and Perrys.  The type of opportunity that makes Jon Stewart wet himself. How would we know that Republicans are so stupid if the media wasn’t there to constantly remind us.

But, aside from a small snippet in FOX News, there wasn’t a peep about Obama’s 3,000 mile GPS malfunction.

It is unforgivable that Honolulu’s local media, at least, didn’t give this story the attention it deserved because it might have explained a lot.

Roundly criticised for snubbing the local garment industry by rejecting his aloha shirt photo op, President Obama may have simply been confused as to where he was.  Of course, it would seem inappropriate to don aloha attire if you think you were in Thailand or China. Clearly, the man had no idea where he was. I am sure he would have eagerly obliged had he only known he was actually in this “home” state.

This could also explain the discrepancies regarding his place of birth.  Maybe the president really meant someplace else…like Indonesia.  It’s really hard to keep all those asian locales straight.

City Council Commits Illegal U-Turn—Reverses Itself on Corporte Welfare

Councilman Chang drooped under pressure. Shown with fellow U-Turn Award winners Kobayashi, Cachola, and Gabbard.

Less than a month after unanimously passing Bill 47 to end corporate welfare payments to a giant, profitable, mainland corporation; seven of our Councilmembers have reversed their position and voted to put it back. After a busy morning session of raising taxes and fees, the council focused on their new Bill 36 that restored the obscene pay out of tax money to Schnitzer Steel, by restoring a discount for dumping toxic waste from their automobile recycling operation in Oahu’s landfill.

One council aide, who declined to be identified said, “the councilmembers are looking out for themselves on this one. It was their long-time friend and former Councilwoman, Rene Mansho, who originally authored the bill that set this corporate welfare in motion over a decade ago…and she’s gotten a good job out of it. Do you know how hard it is to get a job in this market with her record? They never know which one of them will be next…Rod’s going to the slammer next week for God’s sake.”

Councilwoman Ann Kobayashi expressed gratitude that the contentious session was over, and blamed the “negative” atmosphere of the hearings on the common citizens who were expressing outrage at having their money stolen.”I just don’t understand what they expect” said the Councilman-For-Life.

One of the army of lobbyists and lawyers from Schnitzer Steel also commented off the record, “I don’t know what the fuss is about, we’re only talking a few million dollars here…with all the hired guns we have swarming the place, Schnitzer will be lucky to break even on this thing.”

Councilman Martin, Garcia and Anderson also voted in favor of the steaming turd which is Bill 36.

The vote was delayed numerous times due to multiple “technical flaws” in the hurridly prepared piece of legislative poop.

Only Breene Harimoto and Tom Berg voted against the shaddy back door disposal of taxpayer’s money. Romy Cachola and Ikaika Anderson voted yes, but with “reservations” indicating they knew better, but didn’t give a dam. Tulsi Gabbard agreed with a reporter that the new bill was a “compromise,” but was immediately corrected by the reporter who repeated that he had actually said “she had been compromised.” Stanley Chang, one of the authors of the bill, didn’t have much to say, but was seen furiously sucking his thumb and looking plaintively at Ann Kobayashi, who smiled and slipped him another cookie.