Hawaii Republican Assembly taken over by Eric Cartman

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Eric Cartman in the HIRA headquarters

In a startling turn of events the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA) has been taken over by a cartoon character from Comedy Central’s South Park.

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Cartman memes are flooding Facebook…usually soliciting money.

According to Wikipedia, Eric Cartman’s profile bodes ill for Hawaii’s Republicans:Cartman has been portrayed as aggressive, prejudiced, arrogant, and narcissistic since his character’s inception; Stone and Parker describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker“. These traits are significantly augmented in later seasons as his character evolves, and he begins to exhibit extremely psychopathic, sociopathic and manipulative behavior, and also be depicted as highly intelligent, able to execute morally appalling plans and business ideas with success.”

Stone and Parker apologized for their cartoon creation escaping to Hawaii and causing so much damage.

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Eric Cartman demanded a large bag of Cheesey Poofs before he consented to an interview.

The once effective voice of conservative ideas in Hawaii, HIRA has deteriorated into a squalid mess of vicious online trolling and relentless jackassery under Cartman. We were able to find only three former HIRA members who were willing to admit they are still associated with the organization.

We contacted Eric and asked him directly how he became “president” of HIRA in spite of the lack of any meeting or election.

Cartman responded, “Your breaking my balls man, your breaking my balls!”

When asked if he was actually ever elected to be the leader of HIRA, Eric stated, “I’m not just sure, I’m HIV positive.”

In addition to attacking all elected Republicans, HIRA, under Cartman, will focus on killing hippies and acquiring Jew gold.

We explained that many see his constant trolling and pointless Internet attacks as destructive to the Republican and conservative cause in Hawaii, he shrugged and said, “”Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohhh, the tears of immeasurable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”

When it was suggested that the best thing he could do to help conservatives and Hawaii’s GOP is to quit HIRA, leave Hawaii and focus on being a cartoon buffoon on South Park he became angry.

He shouted, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and ended the interview.

Hawaii’s conservative organization, HIRA, slings itself against the brick wall.

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New President of HIRA doomed to explode on impact

The new, and apparently unelected, “President” of the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA), Eric Ryan, has now also claimed the title of “Chairman” of their new “Super PAC;” entitled The Phoenix Project., this fledgling insurrection of Hawaii’s “true Republicans” will presumably rise from the ashes of the Republican Party – assuming Eric succeeds in burning it to the ground.

Some of Hawaii’s Republicans are revolting.

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Snakes don’t usually advocate for draining swamps.

Many view this whole “Phoenix” thing as a deeply personal, symbolic effort for Eric because his career and finances appear to be a heap of charred, smoking debris. Some are deeply suspicious of the fate of any check mailed to, or pledged on any of the numerous “donation” buttons that now abound on HIRA websites.

Ryan has sustained a string of humiliating failures in his attempts to become a political “player” in Hawaii having been fired from every single rung of the career ladder which he had fleetingly clung to. He has emerged, yet again, as the newly minted President of HIRA. No one knows exactly how this happened as HIRA’s previous President, Tito Montes, had vehemently denied Ryan’s involvement with the organization up until he inexplicably disappeared himself.

Those in the know could see Eric’s trademark trolling in HIRA’s communications and Internet presence way before Tito ran for the hills. Eric was perhaps at his most effective in his old Tea Party days when he pranced around at anti-tax rallies in an overstuffed pink pig suit. Since then, his ability to communicate has deteriorated into an incessant droning about the need to purge RINOS (Republicans In Name Only)…which now includes damn near everyone but himself. He would like nothing better than to take over the Hawaii GOP and make them all pay (both literally and figuratively).

His goal has become painfully transparent. He is seeking revenge upon the Republican establishment which has failed to recognize and reward his immense talent and political brilliance…but soon, as the new Chairman of the Hawaii GOP, he will rise from the ashes to vanquish his detractors, they will laugh at him no more, as he flaps his mighty wings and flies above them in his tattered pink pig suit. [Eric’s fantasy sequence shown in italic]

Or, as it will be known to Hawaii’s future political historians…the day pigs flew.