Ben Cayetano Finally Releases His Alternative Transit Plan

Ben Cayetano unveiled this artist’s rendering that shows how his new BRT system will look.

Today, Ben Cayetano, anti-rail candidate for Honolulu Mayor, unveiled his long awaited alternative transit plan to replace rail.  Ben admitted that it wasn’t easy keeping all of his supporters happy with the final plan, as each has pretty strong opinions about what should be done.

“We call our new plan Super BRT!” Exclaimed Cayetano. “it stands for Bambucha Reject Technology.”

The plan incorporates a half dozen ideas and technologies that have already been abandoned as obsolete, too dependent on imported oil, or just plain lolo.  However, the Cayetano team insists that when all used together they miraculously produce a superior solution.

“We decided to build a new plan that had everyone’s ideas all merged together,” explained Cayetano. “We even put a couple of those crappy Philius buses in, so Ann can finally take that trip to Denmark.”

The existing city buses will be repainted with the new BRT logo, and the fleet will be augmented by leasing private buses from Charlie’s and other tour operators.

“We felt it was important to cut small business in, and you know, let them wet their beaks a little,” explained Cayetano.

The completed plan calls for building an elevated HOT lane highway, as originally proposed by Cliff Slater. This would allow for the implementation of Jeremy Harris’s BRT plan without taking any lanes from Dillingham Boulevard.  Instead the gigantic elevated structure will go down Nimitz Highway as an extention of the existing H-1 viaduct.  the first toll booths will be set up near Aloha Stadium for access to the viaduct, other non paying traffic will have to use the old Nimitz Highway underneath the structure.

“We should be able to make $10 a pop on everyone coming and going to the airport or the Arizona Memorial,” beamed Cayetano.

“We were pressed by the Outdoor Circle about the ‘visual blight’ thing, because our structure is over twice as big as the current rail guide way,” said Cayetano.  “But, when we showed them our plan to paint it like a giant hibiscus hedge, they were all for it.”

The end of the elevated section will be at Aloha Tower, whose parking lot will be condemed for the Panos Prevedorous Tunnel.  This way no views will be blocked from judges offices in the Federal Court Building. We had a hard time figuring out what to do with all the traffic when it gets downtown, so we will send it all into the tunnel.  Where the tunnel emerges is still being debated by Cayetano’s team, but most agreed it will likely be Kahala Mall where the town-bound traffic is lighter.

“It is sort of a bypass of downtown altogether,” said Prevedorous.  “I always wanted to build a tunnel somewhere, so when Ben asked me what I wanted out of this I jumped at it.”

“The commuters from the Leeward Side have always been envious of our easy commute from East Honolulu,” added Panos. “This will allow them to zip under the city and then experience the more pleasant commute from the other side.”

The Cayetano plan guarantees such high cost to travel it will finally reduce traffic.

When asked if they had evaluated any new technology Cayetano was quick to respond, “Well, Exxon and the Koch Brothers pretty much insisted that everything run on petroleum, so we were kind of limited there.”

Asked how much his plan would cost to build compared to rail, Cayetano was less committal. “We have Dennis Mitsunaga looking at it right now, and we think we can bring it in for about the same price range between $5 and $10 billion.”

Cayetano Banner Blaster Identified

Mrs. Schonenberger was identified from the surveilance footage as the shooter.

A recently installed security camera along Nimitz highway has apparently captured a photo of the persons responsible for the bullet holes in Ben Cayetano’s banner at Cycle City.  The woman on the video tape, shown holding a 9 mm automatic, is Mrs. Muriel Schonenburger  of Kailua.  Mrs. Schonanburger is an active member of the Outdoor Circle, a group opposed to outdoor signage. She also chairs their Enforcement Committee.

“We told that little character that we wouldn’t tolerate political signs going up until the end of April” said Schonnburger. “It’s time the people on Oahu found out that we mean business and  we’re through talking, if you know what I mean.”

According to one Cayetano campaign official the perpetrator was clearly aiming at Ben. “it’s political all right,” said Walter Heen. “And, in my opinion,  dam fine shooting.”

When asked if the Outdoor Circle still supported Cayetano and his anti-rail platform, Mrs. Schoenburger grew visibly upset.

“Yeah, we thought that elevated rail was ugly all right, but Ben didn’t tell us they wanted to build an even uglier elevated toll road!”

The Outdoor Circle, while not officially sanctioning Mrs Schoenenburger’s actions, did provide her bail and will supply her with legal counsel.

The Outdoor Circle is a self-avowed environmental group who militantly enforces their personal sense of aesthetics on their fellow citizens.

The person shown in the back seat on the video remains unidentified.

Abercrombie Website Makes Immodest Claims About His Superior Intellect

We’re not buying that a PhD in American Studies  from the University of Hawaii makes you a lock for the Nobel Prize.  But, that didn’t stop the Abercrombie Campaign from posting this wad of self-serving twaddle online.  “Neil has extreme brainpower having achieved the highest levels of formal education.” (Yeah, he’s much smarter than Hannemann, who only graduated from Harvard cum laude and went on to be a Fulbright Scholar.)

What is “extreme brainpower” anyway? Well, Atomic Monkey would like to present the pluses and minuses of this alleged “extreme brainpower,” AND the downside of crowing about it around us.

For those of you with no sense of humor, or a weak grasp of the concept of satire, this is a PARODY. Ben Cayetano did not actually have Abercrombie’s brain removed…he’s messing with it while in place.