Senator Schatz announces polar apocalypse

Hawaii Senator Brian Schatz announced from the floor to the U.S. Senate that 97% of Greenland’s ice cap has melted.  When it was pointed out that Greenland’s ice cap is, in fact, still there; the Senator’s office said that was a mere technicality.

“When the Senator stated that 97% of the ice had melted, everyone knew he was talking about softening of the top one inch of the two-mile-thick ice pack,” said a Schatz staffer.  “People are just being picky and negative.” “We understand that Global Warming isn’t as popular as it once was, so we need to use more dynamic headlines to grab people’s attention,” conceded the staffer. “It’s simply a rhetorical device that helps create a sense of urgency.”

Several scientists said it was more like bullshit, pointing out that if 97% of  the ice layer over Greenland had indeed melted Honolulu would be underwater and it would be hard to miss.

According to Al Gore all of Greenlands ice is indeed gone, and all the polar bears are dead.

According to Al Gore all of Greenland’s ice is indeed gone, and all the polar bears are dead.

Al Gore was less willing to concede the inaccuracies:  “You global warming deniers just keep splitting hairs over so-called “facts,” fumed a red-faced Gore.  Gore then unveiled a large photo that purported to show the final giant chunks of Greenland’s ice cap crashing into the sea, taking with it the last of the arctic polar bears.  “As you can see this catastrophic ice-loss event has indeed happened, and the last of the poor polar bears were drowned and crushed.  We tried to warn you….but NNOOOOOOOOO, you wouldn’t listen….you wouldn’t buy my carbon credits when you had the chance.”

Today, most of Greenland is a steaming tropical jungle with several new species of arboreal monkeys and sloths.

“Today, most of Greenland is a steaming tropical jungle with several new species of arboreal monkeys and sloths,” continued Gore.

Why Al Gore Needs You To Keep Believing

Al Gore Brand Carbon Offsets (previously sold as one square foot of lunar real estate.)

Without the imminent threat of global warming how can Al Gore get us hooked on a carbon based economy?  Al has a plan, not to prevent global warming, but to make money off people who believe it exists.  With the concept of carbon offsets, people who lead a carbon intensive lifestyle (like Al) can salve their conscience by purchasing carbon offsets.  That way they don’t actually have to do anything drastic, like giving up their oversize mansions, Exxon stock or private jets.  They can become environmentally responsible by buying a green “get-out-of-jail-free” card instead.  More specifically, they can purchase carbon offsets.  That means if you are living like some rogue parasite on the planet you can “buy” your way back into good graces by having someone in Uruguay plant a few hundred trees for you.  That way your Uruguayan trees will suck up all the exhaust from your Lear Jet and Bentlley and you can sleep like a baby.  With a new economy based on carbon, guys like Al Gore can set up a green stock market and make money brokering all these carboniferous transactions. But, unless they keep you fretting over sea levels, stranded polar bears and the horrible man-made eco-disaster caused by all the crap they, and their corporate patrons, sold you last time…their carbon credits scam goes right down the toilet (and then out to sea where it will kill a monk seal).