Monkey Bites

Words Mean Something – Governor Abercrombie signed a new bill that eliminated mental retardation in Hawaii. Actually it just changed the name to the more politically correct “intellectual disability.” Additionally, those guilty of “robbery’ will be now culpable only of “inappropriate entrepreneurial activity,” “assault” suspects are now “physically expressive,” those hopelessly insane are to be referred to as “reality challenged,” and, of course the homeless are “feral citizens.” The Governor vetoed the bill to change “Republicans,” to “Criminal Running Dog Lackeys,” but it will probably be back next year.

A Rose By Any Other Name – The city moved a bus stop recently so as to avoid exposure to a stinky homeless woman who had camped out in the bus shelter. The driver said that when the bus door was opened the stench would permeate the entire vehicle and hang there for several torturous minutes. Ironically, due to the failure of Councilman Tam’s stinky bus patron bill, the homeless woman could not have been blocked from boarding the bus causing total chaos and possible toxic contamination.

Kym Pine On Hold – Tom Berg’s Chief of Staff, Eric Ryan, is busy trying to convince us Kym is a “crook”. Of course she isn’t, but the perpetually disgruntled, allegedly under-compensated, graphic design thug is behind schedule on conjuring his “proof” for his latest web creation. The next in his never ending series of Internet assaults was supposed to launch on Friday the 15th. However, it simply featured a message stating that the delay was caused by “major, major, MAJOR breaking news at City Hall.” Perhaps the big news is that Eric actually showed up for work instead of fooling around with his little internet extortion games.

Another Truckload of Sh*t From The Council – With his renewed clout at the “re-organized” City Council, Romy Cachola pulled the funding for the expansion of the Sand Island wastewater treatment plant. This forced the administration to consider trucking sludge to other Oahu treatment plants like Kailua, and caused predictable resistance from regional politicos. The original plan to dump the excess sludge on Romy’s house was nixed by the EPA.

Harness The Wind – With all the discussions, opinions and prognostications about wind projects on the Neighbor Islands, it was pointed out that if the wind farms had been built before the lengthy debate and endless discussions they could have already powered 30,000 homes. The portable wind generators being towed in front of Abercrombie public appearances have proven to be extremely productive.

Berg’s Spam Operation – Councilman Tom Berg sent the StarAdvertiser a nasty letter accusing them of censoring his anti-rail rants from the ranks of the blog comments. The SA, known for graciously allowing all sorts of unhinged, inflammatory and slanderous comments denied any special treatment for Berg. They blamed his denial of service on automated spam blocking software that had flagged the Councilman’s efforts as “spam.” They suggested that if he simply inserted the term “Mufia” or “Carliar” in his texts, his entries would go to the front of the line.

Barn Door Closed After Cows Leave – Governor Abercrombie restored ten agricultural inspector positions that were cut in 2009. This will allow the Department of Agriculture to step up its monitoring of invasive species and help to protect Hawaii’s fragile ecosystem. When asked if this had anything to do with the 127 dead rattlesnakes found on the road between Sandy Beach and Makapuu Lookout, or the recent rhinoceros attack in Kapolei, the Governor had no comment.

Governor Announces Gay Soccer Tournament to Replace Pro Bowl

The Governor's planned three-day gay soccer tournament will feature disco lighting and nude matches.

Today, Governor Neil Abercrombie announced the NFL’s annual Pro Bowl would be replaced with a multi-team gay soccer tournament.

“You scoffed when I told you we could make more money with civil unions in one weekend than the Pro Bowl” said Abercrombie. “But, we will show you!”

When asked by one reporter if the Governor had any financial projections to back up his plan in comparison to the 30-year-long relationship with the NFL, Abercrombie erupted into a heated political diatribe:

“The People’s Democratic Republic of Hawaii will not be cowed by imperialist stooges and their NFL running dog lackeys,” fumed the Gov. “You ultra-right wing aggressors, who have stretched your tentacles of crime-woven aggression and greed, will be mercilessly crushed by the weapon of singlehearted unity!”

“We must seize the $4 million wasted on this idle bourgeois spectacle and return it to the glorious workers for the education of their children in the values of Marx and Lenin for the everlasting glory of our great worker’s paradise and our Eternal Leader, Barack Obama.”

“Any despicable flunkies will be annihilated by our fresh revolutionary upswing! All you anti-socialist hooligans and capitalist robbers, would be well advised to behave with discretion or we will grind you beneath our boots!”

See the Speech

The Governor’s press people called an end to the press conference, and packed up the informational displays about the gay soccer tournament without taking any questions.

More Abercrombie visitor industry marketing concepts

The Secret of Neil’s Hypnotic Hold On His Followers Discovered

A recent report entitled Abercrombie: My “emanations” will make DoE serve students first by Hawai`i Free Press sheds some light on Neil Abercrombie’s curious proposal to solve Hawaii’s education morass with his special powers.

According to Hawai`i Free Press:

“How does Abercrombie propose to bring public employee unions into line?  In a “Guiding Principle” of his Education Plan entitled “Respect for principals and teachers” Abercrombie explains:

“This respect will emanate from a Governor who was a teacher and has worked to improve education throughout his career.”

Emanate?

The akamai reader will immediately recognize Abercrombie’s Education Plan as a symptom of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (301.81 in DSM IV) more commonly referred to as megalomania. But some of Abercrombie’s followers may not be so easily persuaded. For instance, actress Kelly Hu says, “Listening to Neil speak is like going to church.”

 

 

 

 

 

Neil's "emanations" apparently have a mesmerizing effect on his followers.

This poster has been popping up on the Neighbor Islands.

Neil Wants Change…Neil Wants YOUR Change!

The days are already long gone when a threatening phone call from Congressman Abercrombie to BAE, Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin or any number of other defense contractors would precipitate thousands of dollars in campaign contributions.  Now, according to Abercrombie’s latest campaign spending report he has over $140,000 in unpaid bills, poorly attended fundraisers…and even more telling, an online begging operation.

Neil has "empowered" his minions to be cyber-beggars.

Neil is trying to send his online viral begging widget into a wallet or purse near you. His campaign Web site exclaims, “Everybody is a Fundraiser!”  Sounds more fun than a whole new batch of Sea Monkies doesn’t it?  Neil’s Web site plods on, “The widget empowers Neil’s supporters with a Facebook profile, website or blog to become a fundraiser for the campaign.”  Wow, “empowered,” just like the beggar kids in Sumdog Millionaire.

However, Neil’s widget campaign is finding the cash-strapped taxpayers of Hawaii resistant to the idea of an additional  “Neil Tax.” It seems like his twenty years in Congress helped wipe out most of their money already.

Since beginning operations on April 7th (brilliantly timed to coincide with federal tax deadlines), Neil’s appropriately named “What Gives?” Widget has amassed a dismal $175 or $13.46 a day, which barely dents the portly Abercrombie’s average lunch tab.

There are now rumours that Neil’s social media minions are planning a more aggressive online fundraising strategy because of  the poor performance of the “What Gives” credit card operation  The new online Widget will guide participants through a Nigerian Scam Letter Wizard that will help them generate endless variations of the email appeal for stupid money. Isn’t it time for grandma to part with that cash in her mattress?

Abercrombie is running his campaign just like he ran his Congressional office for twenty years…over-taxing, deficit spending, allowing embezzlers to run wild, extorting earmark recipients and then,  when he runs out of money,  putting the bite on you!

Neil’s On A Mission From God

During a Congressional hearing on military procurement, Neil launched into a ten minute rant on the Blues Brothers.

As reported by The Dew Line:

“That all-time classic line from a congressional hearing about military acquisition comes from Representative Neil Abercrombie’s 10-minute rant last week on Sue Payton, the US Air Force’s acquisition chief.”

“I finally got my fingers on a copy of the transcript from this most bizarre hearing.”

REP. ABERCROMBIE: Ms. Payton, you are right on the edge of getting into the Blues Brothers.MS. PAYTON: Sorry sir, I don’t mean to be there. I —

REP. ABERCROMBIE: That’s when — when Jake says, Bill, but you lied to us about the band. They lied to me when I was in prison about the band. You haven’t kept the band together. He goes, I never lied to you. I bullshitted you a little bit, but I never lied to you.

MS. PAYTON: Sir, I would never give any misinformation —

REP. ABERCROMBIE: No, you are saying that the Army is doing that.

MS. PAYTON: No, sir. I believe that —

REP. ABERCROMBIE: You are trying to finesse us. You are telling me they’ve got a cost that they know about, but they are not telling us about it, and are trying to pretend their unit cost and given information to us is the same as your unit cost, and they know better.

Neil sure knows a lot more about movie trivia than he does military procurement. For a complete reading of the congressional records go to:

“Ms. Payton, you are right on the edge of getting into the Blues Brothers”

More From Neil’s Fledgling Political Career

By popular demand we are posting more from the dank and dusty Abercrombie Archives.  We’re not saying that Neil’s resume was a tad “thin” to be running for the U.S. Senate in 1970, but listing “Winner – First Lahaina Whaling Days Beard Contest” as one of your credits is….well, scraping the bottom of the barrel. Is he putting us on?  You be the judge.

Click on image to enlarge to all its hi-res glory.

Click on image to enlarge to all its hi-res glory.

Roaming Gnome Runs Afoul of House Ethics Rules

Neil's lobbyist funded travel comes back to haunt him.

In 2005, Neil Abercrombie was part of the zealous Democrat attack on Republican Majority Leader Tom Delay that rebounded into an potential ethics investigation of the Democrats own travel excesses.  Neil was then among those furiously amending his own records to avoid being hoisted on his own petard.

The following narrative (source material provided below) tells a sordid tale of unethical travel perks provided by lobbyists, big league butt covering and glaringly inconsistent cover stories.

House Armed Services Committee member Neil Abercrombie (D-Hawaii) took a two-day trip to Boston in June 2001 that was paid for by a lobbying firm with business before the committee, according to House travel records. (1)

In an apparent violation of House ethics rules, the $1,782 tab for the trip was picked up by the Rooney Group International, an Arlington, Va.-based firm that represents an array of defense companies. (1)

“When questions about the trip were first raised on April 20, my staff reviewed the matter and learned that the Rooney Group had been reimbursed for my air fare by Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts,” Abercrombie said. (2)

He had recorded that a lobbying group paid for his trip, but House rules forbid representatives from taking money for trips from lobbyists. (3)

Abercrombie says last week he corrected the form because a National Guard organization actually ended up paying for the trip. (3)

“It didn’t cost me a nickel,” Rooney said, though he added that he was unsure whether he paid for the trip and then was reimbursed by the Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company. No officials of that group were available Wednesday to discuss the trip. (1)

Even if Rooney did get reimbursed, the trip would constitute a violation of House rules, said Melanie Sloan, of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, a nonpartisan watchdog group. (1)

It’s not suddenly OK to make a trip on a lobbyist’s dime if you’re not doing it for the lobbyist client, or if the lobbyist is being reimbursed,” she said. (1)

Abercrombie “does not have a single vested business interest in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,” Rooney said, “and I don’t have a single client that he was going up there to speak to.” (1)

But in 2001, Rooney represented several defense industry clients with business before the Armed Services Committee, according to Senate filings. They included BAE Systems, an international manufacturer of military vehicles and aircraft; SaabTech USA, which designs electronic warfare systems; and Nammo, a Norwegian producer of ammunition. (1)

Editor’s Note:  Abercrombie received $19,190 in 2007-2008 and $17,500 in 2005-2006 from BAE Systems. BAE was in turn the recipient of an Abercrombie “earmark” for $2.4 million for “mammal awareness.

Sources:

(1.) Abercrombie Asks Ethics to Investigate His Travel

(2.) Abercrombie denies violating House ethics rules in 2001 trip

(3.) U.S. Rep. Abercrombie Changes Ethics Filing