Hawaii Republican Assembly taken over by Eric Cartman

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Eric Cartman in the HIRA headquarters

In a startling turn of events the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA) has been taken over by a cartoon character from Comedy Central’s South Park.

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Cartman memes are flooding Facebook…usually soliciting money.

According to Wikipedia, Eric Cartman’s profile bodes ill for Hawaii’s Republicans:Cartman has been portrayed as aggressive, prejudiced, arrogant, and narcissistic since his character’s inception; Stone and Parker describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker“. These traits are significantly augmented in later seasons as his character evolves, and he begins to exhibit extremely psychopathic, sociopathic and manipulative behavior, and also be depicted as highly intelligent, able to execute morally appalling plans and business ideas with success.”

Stone and Parker apologized for their cartoon creation escaping to Hawaii and causing so much damage.

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Eric Cartman demanded a large bag of Cheesey Poofs before he consented to an interview.

The once effective voice of conservative ideas in Hawaii, HIRA has deteriorated into a squalid mess of vicious online trolling and relentless jackassery under Cartman. We were able to find only three former HIRA members who were willing to admit they are still associated with the organization.

We contacted Eric and asked him directly how he became “president” of HIRA in spite of the lack of any meeting or election.

Cartman responded, “Your breaking my balls man, your breaking my balls!”

When asked if he was actually ever elected to be the leader of HIRA, Eric stated, “I’m not just sure, I’m HIV positive.”

In addition to attacking all elected Republicans, HIRA, under Cartman, will focus on killing hippies and acquiring Jew gold.

We explained that many see his constant trolling and pointless Internet attacks as destructive to the Republican and conservative cause in Hawaii, he shrugged and said, “”Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohhh, the tears of immeasurable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”

When it was suggested that the best thing he could do to help conservatives and Hawaii’s GOP is to quit HIRA, leave Hawaii and focus on being a cartoon buffoon on South Park he became angry.

He shouted, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and ended the interview.

Missile diplomacy riles Ruskies

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Vladimir Putin issued a tersely worded press statement today

Today the Russians responded to the U.S. attack on a Syrian airfield by 59 Tomahawk Missiles fired from two destroyers in the Mediterranean.  The Russians were not pleased by the attack on their ally Bashar al-Assad’s forces and embarrassed by having several dozen missiles buzzing unmolested past their front-line missile defense system.  The level of agitation is reflected in yesterday’s early morning exchange of tweets between Putin and Trump:

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Hawaii judge rules Trump Muslim travel ban would kill Hawaii Visitor Industry

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Federal Judge, and former Choom Gang member Derrick Watson

Today, Federal Judge Derrick Watson extended his block on Trump’s immigration policy citing Hawaii’s dependence on Muslim visitors.

“Hawaii has become completely dependent on the flow of Muslim visitors from Syria, Sudan, Iran, Libya and other Middle Eastern Countries,” said Watson. “They now make up over 80% of our visitor population, and Trump’s reckless immigration policy could completely destroy our tourism industry.”

“If you lived in our county you’d want a nice vacation in Hawaii too.” added vacationing ISIL commander Sayed Omar. “I mean, really, Syria is a giant exploding shit hole.”

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Most people don’t realize that Hawaii is now totally dependent on Muslim tourism

Catering to the new Muslim majority was confirmed by Hawaii Tourism Authority head George Cigaretti. “We’ve seen a steady rise in Muslim visitors over the last five years, and they are now pretty much the whole ball game,” said Cigaretti. “We hardly ever see any Japanese or Canadians any more.”

Cigaretti also confirmed that 90% of the visitor industry advertising budget is now being spent in the Middle East and North Africa.  The “Jihad in Paradise Fly-Away” campaign will start airing in targeted Muslim no-go zones throughout Europe in early April.

Among the changes made in the visitor industry to accommodate the newly dominant visitor demographic HTA cited:

  1. Signs and publications featuring Arabic and Farsi translations.
  2. No more TSA or other pesky airline security screening
  3. Goat luaus instead of pigs
  4. All Jews were relocated to Molokai
  5. All tropical drinks banned
  6. Prayer towers in Waikiki with calls to prayer every two hours
  7. Free Al Jazeera channel in all rooms

City lifeguards have had to adapt to some new issues as well.

“When their burkas get waterlogged, they go down like a sack of rocks,” said head lifeguard Kimo Schwartz. “We get a lot more heat strokes too.”

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A DAESH spokesman said their recent propaganda videos, shot on Oahu’s North Shore, would not have been possible without the State’s generous film production tax credits.

City uses federal anti-immigrant funds for major wall projects

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Caldwell: If Trump wants walls, we’ll give him walls.

You may have noticed the city’s first major wall project sprout up at Thomas Square.

Major Caldwell announced today that Honolulu has accepted millions of dollars in federal funding earmarked for erecting immigrant barrier walls.

Trump administration officials praised Mayor Caldwell and Honolulu for being among the first major municipalities to sign the “We Ain’t No Stinkin Sanctuary” pledge and receive the federal funds.

According to Mayor Caldwell, the Trump administration made the funding available based on the city’s report that many of the homeless currently invading Honolulu’s city parks appear to be Mexicans or Muslims.

The Mayor conceded, “We fudged the ‘Mexican’ thing a little bit in order to get the feds to bite, but there’s a heck of a lot of money up for grabs.”

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Honolulu will continue to construct walls, like this one at Thomas Square, as long as federal funds hold out.

“We needed the money to help combat homelessness,” said Caldwell. “Since the bums head straight for the parks, we thought building a wall would slow them down and get them to move elsewhere.”

After numerous failed attempts to curb the homeless in urban Honolulu, the Mayor’s team though the walls might finally provide the answer. Since the Thomas Square wall went up reports of homeless (or anyone else) in the park have dropped dramatically.

The city said walls around Ala Moana Beach Park should completed by the end of March.

Book Review: Campaign Hawaii

Caption: The book’s cover appropriately features union worker’s lined up waving campaign signs because they are afraid not to.

The book’s cover appropriately features union workers lined up waving campaign signs for Democrats because they’re afraid not to.

By Atom Monk

Campaign Hawaii by Rick Tsujimura is possibly the worst book written since Neil Abercrombie’s Blood of Patriots.

As a writer, Tsujimura, should stick to the backroom shenanigans of a Democrat insider where he truly excels. His prose style can best be described as lawyerly, ponderous and sleep-inducing.

Tsujimura meticulously footnotes various sources that were biased op-ed bullshit the day they were published. Presenting them as settled fact today will not make them smell any better.

Tucked between the stupefying platitudes are nuggets of stunningly pompous self-congratulatory twaddle. This is another in a long line of “Democrat good…Republican bad” opuscules churned out by party apparatchiks who can’t bend over far enough for the totalitarian regime that has lorded over Hawaii for over 50 years.

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Rick Tsujimura

Tsujimura repeatedly conjures up the metaphor of “sparrows” to portray the loyal, faceless, humble worker bees of Democrat grassroots campaigns. Anybody who has ever eaten outdoors at a McDonalds knows that sparrows are flying rats hell bent on stealing your food. They will also gleefully shit on your table. Tsujimura judiciously omits the parts where his noble “sparrows” stayed up all night running fax machines in order to slander their political enemies or when they launched massive defamatory whispering/chirping campaigns.

If you like to wallow in sanctimonious manure about imaginary moral superiority (coming from a lawyer) you may find merit with this onerous snooze fest. If you like to endure the gushing deification of garden-variety political operatives this outright corruption of history will be a delight.

The most unforgivable aspect of this unfortunate literary black hole is that it is relentlessly boring and unreadable. Take for example this turn of snappy prose:

“Because of the possibility of revenue shortfalls, I recommended that budget and service cutback contingencies be put in place.”

Or, this revelatory maxim about a winning political strategy:

“We often spread our sign holders about five to six feet apart, although ten feet is really preferable, because of the angle of sight as people drive by…”

Do yourself a favor and buy a good bottle of wine at Costco rather than waste the outrageous $17 for this paperback propaganda leaflet.

We rate this book: no votes

The return of the Walking Dead…Candidate.

The army of the undead socialist zombies has returned and they’re not taking “no” for a answer.

The army of the undead socialist zombies has returned and they’re not taking “no” for a answer.

Today Hillary Clinton announced that she will join the campaign to recount votes in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and other states.  The effort was originally started by Green Party candidate Jill Stein to prove that she was not beaten in Texas by Harambe the dead gorilla. Stein was pleasantly surprised by a $5 million check from George Soros and the eager participation of the Clinton campaign.

According to Hillary there was systematic suppression of dead voters by the Russians and others.  “We must have a true democracy where all people, dead or living, Amercian citizens or just bussed in from Guadalajara, have the right to vote,” said Clinton. “and, voting more than once is just indicative of their enthusiasm for participating in our democracy and should be encouraged.”

She also renewed her attacks on Trump calling him a “necrophobe” for his disparaging remarks about voters who had allegedly died. “Do we look dead to you!” shouted Hillary to her attentive entourage, who immediately started a resounding chant.  “What do want? Republican brains!”  When do you want them? NOW!”

When asked by a reporter from FOX news about her previous statements, made during the heat of the campaign,  calling Trump “unAmerican and a sore loser” should he reject the results of the election; Clinton told the reporter to “Fuck Off,” and ate her face.

History Channel – Hunting Hitler reveals startling new information

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Host of Hunting Hitler reveals startling news

The History Channel’s Hunting Hitler has uncovered shocking new information that may prove once and for all that Adolf Hiter escaped Germany at the end of WWII and is alive today! The show had meticulously traced the movement of the fugitive dictator to Argentina, along with many of his minions. This included the nefarious “Angel of Death,” Dr. Josef Mengele.

 

Photo of Hitler artificially “aged” by 70 years reveals shocking image.

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Computer “aging” of Hitler’s face reveals the unmistakable likeness of George Soros.

The show contacted the FBI missing persons forensic laboratory in Washington, DC to process the last know photographs of Adolf Hitler and show what he could look like at different points in time if he had lived. Only when they dialed it up to a startling 70 years (which would make Hitler 127 years old!) did it reveal the shocking image show above. George Soros refused to respond to the shows inquires and his current whereabouts are unknown.

Freedom of information requests finally reveal what was found in Dr. Mengele’s secret laboratory in Argentina in 1979.

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Dr. Josef Mengele (AKA Wolfgang Gerhard) left a treasure-trove of evidence in his secret Argentine laboratory.

Recently revealed classified reports, sealed since the late 70’s) show that several frozen clones of what appeared to be Adolf Hitler and Heinrich Himmler. Curiously, there was a heart and kidney extracted from one of the Himmers in the process of being packed from shipment to the United States – marked as “spare parts for James Carville.” The sophisticated cloning and organ harvesting operation could explain how Hitler could have survived to this day in the grotesque form of a 127 years old Soros-like creature.

The shows proposes the theory that under the false identity of billionaire George Soros, Adolf Hilter has maintained his quest for world domination and the imposition of a Fourth Nazi Reich to this very day.

Hillary’s celebrity supporters fleeing the country

Making good on their promise to leave the country if Donald Trump were to be elected President of the United States many of Hillary Clintons celebrity endorsers have either been caught at the border, or have disappeared altogether.

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Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg were found hiding in a container of frozen cod headed for Montreal, Canada and charged with immigration violations.

Many cite Trump’s crudeness and demeaning of women

screen-shot-2016-11-09-at-11-34-19-amSnoop Dog, already out of the country shooting new video Doggy Style 5 – Pre-Teens Gone Wild, said that Trump’s treatment of women offended him.

“That orange freak is disrespectful to his bitches,” said an outraged Snoop Dog. “We don’t be grabbing no pussy less we pays fo it.”

Mr. Dog said he would continue with his new film career in Mexico with funding from the Clinton Foundation rather than return to the U.S. under Trump.

J Lo’s butt recently spoke at a Hillary rally and said it was offended by Trump’s exploitation of women.

J Lo’s butt recently spoke at a Hillary rally and criticized some of Trump’s remarks as disrespectful of women’s dignity. She will be moving to Guatemala in December.

Katy Perry said Trump is a bad role model for young children.

Katy Perry said Trump is a bad role model for young children, and so she is moving to France.

Miley Cyrus has not been seen since issuing a terse critic of Trump’s “unhealthy sexual fixations."

Miley Cyrus has not been seen since issuing a terse critique of Trump’s “unhealthy sexual fixations.”