Hawaii Republican Assembly taken over by Eric Cartman

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Eric Cartman in the HIRA headquarters

In a startling turn of events the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA) has been taken over by a cartoon character from Comedy Central’s South Park.

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Cartman memes are flooding Facebook…usually soliciting money.

According to Wikipedia, Eric Cartman’s profile bodes ill for Hawaii’s Republicans:Cartman has been portrayed as aggressive, prejudiced, arrogant, and narcissistic since his character’s inception; Stone and Parker describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker“. These traits are significantly augmented in later seasons as his character evolves, and he begins to exhibit extremely psychopathic, sociopathic and manipulative behavior, and also be depicted as highly intelligent, able to execute morally appalling plans and business ideas with success.”

Stone and Parker apologized for their cartoon creation escaping to Hawaii and causing so much damage.

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Eric Cartman demanded a large bag of Cheesey Poofs before he consented to an interview.

The once effective voice of conservative ideas in Hawaii, HIRA has deteriorated into a squalid mess of vicious online trolling and relentless jackassery under Cartman. We were able to find only three former HIRA members who were willing to admit they are still associated with the organization.

We contacted Eric and asked him directly how he became “president” of HIRA in spite of the lack of any meeting or election.

Cartman responded, “Your breaking my balls man, your breaking my balls!”

When asked if he was actually ever elected to be the leader of HIRA, Eric stated, “I’m not just sure, I’m HIV positive.”

In addition to attacking all elected Republicans, HIRA, under Cartman, will focus on killing hippies and acquiring Jew gold.

We explained that many see his constant trolling and pointless Internet attacks as destructive to the Republican and conservative cause in Hawaii, he shrugged and said, “”Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohhh, the tears of immeasurable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”

When it was suggested that the best thing he could do to help conservatives and Hawaii’s GOP is to quit HIRA, leave Hawaii and focus on being a cartoon buffoon on South Park he became angry.

He shouted, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and ended the interview.

Hawaii judge rules Trump Muslim travel ban would kill Hawaii Visitor Industry

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Federal Judge, and former Choom Gang member Derrick Watson

Today, Federal Judge Derrick Watson extended his block on Trump’s immigration policy citing Hawaii’s dependence on Muslim visitors.

“Hawaii has become completely dependent on the flow of Muslim visitors from Syria, Sudan, Iran, Libya and other Middle Eastern Countries,” said Watson. “They now make up over 80% of our visitor population, and Trump’s reckless immigration policy could completely destroy our tourism industry.”

“If you lived in our county you’d want a nice vacation in Hawaii too.” added vacationing ISIL commander Sayed Omar. “I mean, really, Syria is a giant exploding shit hole.”

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Most people don’t realize that Hawaii is now totally dependent on Muslim tourism

Catering to the new Muslim majority was confirmed by Hawaii Tourism Authority head George Cigaretti. “We’ve seen a steady rise in Muslim visitors over the last five years, and they are now pretty much the whole ball game,” said Cigaretti. “We hardly ever see any Japanese or Canadians any more.”

Cigaretti also confirmed that 90% of the visitor industry advertising budget is now being spent in the Middle East and North Africa.  The “Jihad in Paradise Fly-Away” campaign will start airing in targeted Muslim no-go zones throughout Europe in early April.

Among the changes made in the visitor industry to accommodate the newly dominant visitor demographic HTA cited:

  1. Signs and publications featuring Arabic and Farsi translations.
  2. No more TSA or other pesky airline security screening
  3. Goat luaus instead of pigs
  4. All Jews were relocated to Molokai
  5. All tropical drinks banned
  6. Prayer towers in Waikiki with calls to prayer every two hours
  7. Free Al Jazeera channel in all rooms

City lifeguards have had to adapt to some new issues as well.

“When their burkas get waterlogged, they go down like a sack of rocks,” said head lifeguard Kimo Schwartz. “We get a lot more heat strokes too.”

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A DAESH spokesman said their recent propaganda videos, shot on Oahu’s North Shore, would not have been possible without the State’s generous film production tax credits.

City uses federal anti-immigrant funds for major wall projects

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Caldwell: If Trump wants walls, we’ll give him walls.

You may have noticed the city’s first major wall project sprout up at Thomas Square.

Major Caldwell announced today that Honolulu has accepted millions of dollars in federal funding earmarked for erecting immigrant barrier walls.

Trump administration officials praised Mayor Caldwell and Honolulu for being among the first major municipalities to sign the “We Ain’t No Stinkin Sanctuary” pledge and receive the federal funds.

According to Mayor Caldwell, the Trump administration made the funding available based on the city’s report that many of the homeless currently invading Honolulu’s city parks appear to be Mexicans or Muslims.

The Mayor conceded, “We fudged the ‘Mexican’ thing a little bit in order to get the feds to bite, but there’s a heck of a lot of money up for grabs.”

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Honolulu will continue to construct walls, like this one at Thomas Square, as long as federal funds hold out.

“We needed the money to help combat homelessness,” said Caldwell. “Since the bums head straight for the parks, we thought building a wall would slow them down and get them to move elsewhere.”

After numerous failed attempts to curb the homeless in urban Honolulu, the Mayor’s team though the walls might finally provide the answer. Since the Thomas Square wall went up reports of homeless (or anyone else) in the park have dropped dramatically.

The city said walls around Ala Moana Beach Park should completed by the end of March.

Book Review: Campaign Hawaii

Caption: The book’s cover appropriately features union worker’s lined up waving campaign signs because they are afraid not to.

The book’s cover appropriately features union workers lined up waving campaign signs for Democrats because they’re afraid not to.

By Atom Monk

Campaign Hawaii by Rick Tsujimura is possibly the worst book written since Neil Abercrombie’s Blood of Patriots.

As a writer, Tsujimura, should stick to the backroom shenanigans of a Democrat insider where he truly excels. His prose style can best be described as lawyerly, ponderous and sleep-inducing.

Tsujimura meticulously footnotes various sources that were biased op-ed bullshit the day they were published. Presenting them as settled fact today will not make them smell any better.

Tucked between the stupefying platitudes are nuggets of stunningly pompous self-congratulatory twaddle. This is another in a long line of “Democrat good…Republican bad” opuscules churned out by party apparatchiks who can’t bend over far enough for the totalitarian regime that has lorded over Hawaii for over 50 years.

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Rick Tsujimura

Tsujimura repeatedly conjures up the metaphor of “sparrows” to portray the loyal, faceless, humble worker bees of Democrat grassroots campaigns. Anybody who has ever eaten outdoors at a McDonalds knows that sparrows are flying rats hell bent on stealing your food. They will also gleefully shit on your table. Tsujimura judiciously omits the parts where his noble “sparrows” stayed up all night running fax machines in order to slander their political enemies or when they launched massive defamatory whispering/chirping campaigns.

If you like to wallow in sanctimonious manure about imaginary moral superiority (coming from a lawyer) you may find merit with this onerous snooze fest. If you like to endure the gushing deification of garden-variety political operatives this outright corruption of history will be a delight.

The most unforgivable aspect of this unfortunate literary black hole is that it is relentlessly boring and unreadable. Take for example this turn of snappy prose:

“Because of the possibility of revenue shortfalls, I recommended that budget and service cutback contingencies be put in place.”

Or, this revelatory maxim about a winning political strategy:

“We often spread our sign holders about five to six feet apart, although ten feet is really preferable, because of the angle of sight as people drive by…”

Do yourself a favor and buy a good bottle of wine at Costco rather than waste the outrageous $17 for this paperback propaganda leaflet.

We rate this book: no votes

State Foundation on Culture and the Arts acquires an original Abercrombie

An original composition by Neil Abercrombie will be unveiled at the annual Art at the Capitol

An original composition by Neil Abercrombie will be unveiled at the annual Art at the Capitol

Art2According to the artist it was made from crap accumulated in his desk.

“I pretty much just couldn’t bring myself to throw the stuff out…especially the stress cow,” said the artist. “So, I just glued it to an old piece of cardboard and threw it behind the credenza.”

Discovered by janitors when they were cleaning the office, the work was recognized as a significant work of art and turned over to the State Foundation of Culture and the Arts. Now a part of their permanent collection and valued at over $100,000, the masterpiece of constructivism has been loaned to the office of Representative Bob McDermott where it be displayed during the Art at the Capitol event on April 1 from 4:30 to 7:00 pm.

 

Hawaii Welcomes Syrian Refugees

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The first batch of the expected 200,000 Syrian refugees arrived today at Honolulu Harbor

The Governor made a brief statement as the first boatload of Syrian refugees arrived at Pier 19.

“We are a welcoming Island culture and wish to extend our spirit of Aloha to our new…” at this point the governor was drowned out by chants of “Alluha Akbar!,” and, looking a little stunned, was whisked away by security.

He stopped momentarily to offer the gathered media a few words, “There’s so many…there’s so many…I didn’t know there was so many….” At this point the dazed governor was pushed into his waiting limo.

Many had criticized the governor for being the only state left to back President Obama and agree to take the refugees. All other 49 states have refused to relocate any of the approximately 200,000 Muslims that Obama has agreed to take in during the next year.

Several Hawaiian greeter girls tried handing out leis and giving traditional Island greetings, but were quickly overwhelmed by the mob. There were reports that the girls had been auctioned off as sex slaves.

Buses that awaited the new refugees to shuttle them to the tent city constructed for them by the state administration were overturned and set on fire.

The approximately 32,430 refugees were last seen headed toward Waikiki and Kahala.

You never know what will pop up at the opening of the State Legislature

The opening of the Hawaii State Legislature is today.  The one day the public is actually welcome in the building.

The opening of the Hawaii State Legislature is today. The one day the public is actually welcome in the building.

Here’s a brief sampling of some of the proposed legislation in the works this year competing to waste your tax dollars:

HB 823 – Tom Brower introduced a bill permitting the open carry of sledgehammers, fire axes and cricket bats; also the right to carry concealed claw hammers, for self-defense against rogue shopping carts.  Brower has reported being attacked by abandoned carts in his Waikiki district and wants citizens to be able to defend themselves.

HB 378 – Kaniela Ing has submitted a bill that redefines the “anus” as a “mangina.”  This is in response to Rep. Bob McDermott questioning the redefinition of  “anus” as genitalia in the Pono Choices sex ed program. “That should fix everything,” said Rep. Ing. “Mostly it will keep McDermott from saying anus again.”

HB 443 – Rep. Jessica Wooley, Chair of the Ag Committee, is advancing a bill to make the cultivation of any genetically modified food punishable by life in prison.  Any existing products still available with any GMO content must be labeled with 48 pt. type: “THIS PRODUCT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.” Governor Abercrombie has asked that an exemption for GMO Marijuana be attached to the bill.

SB 112 – A related bill submitted on behalf of the Governor was for additional funding for his rooftop garden being installed on the 5th floor of the Capitol Building.

SB 342 – Senator Sam Slom, whose perennial bill to make the Hoary Bat Hawaii’s official mammal has failed repeatedly, will not put out another “bat bill.”  Instead he appointing an actual Hoary Bat to be the Minority Whip for the Senate Republicans.  “I’m the only Republican left, so I can do whatever I want over here,” said Slom.

SB 953 – Sen. Hee announced a bill to restructure state elections.  Under the Hee proposal the State will save millions by conducting all future elections in a closed Democrat primary by voice vote.  “We won’t have to bear the cost of printing ballots, counting them or enduring silly campaigns,” said Hee. “Since there are only Democrats left, we can move things along a lot faster and more efficiently now.”

SB 119 – Representative Scott Saiki, in  a related election bill,  is seeking to eliminate terms limits for the office of Governor. When an existing governor passes away a new governor will be chosen from among the Democrat leadership.  The media will be allowed to watch the exhaust fan from the majority caucus room.  When the cigar smoke changes from black to grey a new governor will have been selected.

GMO protestors claim to have uncovered odd Sturgeon/Papaya mutant

A GMO protestor group has held a press conference to reveal photos and information they say proves that certain GMO companies on Kauai are working on new hybrid papayas that also produce caviar.  The group displayed photos they say were taken in an experimental field that purports to show one of the failed attempts to create such a product.  The photo appears to be a combination of Sturgeon and Papaya DNA that misfired and produced a hideous papaya tree with several large Sturgeons clustered at the top among the fruit.

“This thing is just another abomination to nature, and proof that these GMO companies are attempting to play God.” said a spokeswoman for Babes Against Biotech.  “We are calling for bills to label, outlaw and punish by death any use of so-called science in the production of food,” continued the partially clad “Babe.”

Stirred up by the recent “Mana March” on Kauai, anti-GMO groups are making new accusations on almost a daily basis.  One man associated with anti-GMO activities said he was driving near a corporate agricultural operation when he was forcefully abducted from his car and dipped into a tank of Agent Orange by laughing workers.

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This photo purports to show a genetic mutant Sturgeon/Papaya hybrid gone horribly wrong.

Asked to respond, a representative of the GMO company said simply, “I saw the photos and they are obviously Photoshopped. There is no such thing as a Sturgeon/Papaya caviar program.” “These people are a little whacky,” added the company official.  He recounted how several young naked women with machetes were spotted near one of the larger papaya fields.  He said police were called, but the women escaped leaving behind a couple of machetes, a sign that read: NO TO MONSTER GMO FISH TREES!, and a handful of Gary Hooser brochures.

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It is claimed that the goal of the GMO companies was a papaya  that also produced high-grade caviar.

Senator Schatz announces polar apocalypse

Hawaii Senator Brian Schatz announced from the floor to the U.S. Senate that 97% of Greenland’s ice cap has melted.  When it was pointed out that Greenland’s ice cap is, in fact, still there; the Senator’s office said that was a mere technicality.

“When the Senator stated that 97% of the ice had melted, everyone knew he was talking about softening of the top one inch of the two-mile-thick ice pack,” said a Schatz staffer.  “People are just being picky and negative.” “We understand that Global Warming isn’t as popular as it once was, so we need to use more dynamic headlines to grab people’s attention,” conceded the staffer. “It’s simply a rhetorical device that helps create a sense of urgency.”

Several scientists said it was more like bullshit, pointing out that if 97% of  the ice layer over Greenland had indeed melted Honolulu would be underwater and it would be hard to miss.

According to Al Gore all of Greenlands ice is indeed gone, and all the polar bears are dead.

According to Al Gore all of Greenland’s ice is indeed gone, and all the polar bears are dead.

Al Gore was less willing to concede the inaccuracies:  “You global warming deniers just keep splitting hairs over so-called “facts,” fumed a red-faced Gore.  Gore then unveiled a large photo that purported to show the final giant chunks of Greenland’s ice cap crashing into the sea, taking with it the last of the arctic polar bears.  “As you can see this catastrophic ice-loss event has indeed happened, and the last of the poor polar bears were drowned and crushed.  We tried to warn you….but NNOOOOOOOOO, you wouldn’t listen….you wouldn’t buy my carbon credits when you had the chance.”

Today, most of Greenland is a steaming tropical jungle with several new species of arboreal monkeys and sloths.

“Today, most of Greenland is a steaming tropical jungle with several new species of arboreal monkeys and sloths,” continued Gore.

Cachola’s Voter Assistance Campaign Questioned

This recent ad in the FilAm Courier raised a few eyebrows.

Candidate, Romy Cachola

Reporters have responded to complaints about Romy Cachola’s campaign pressuring elderly voters to cast mail-in ballots. It has been aledged that Cachola himself likes to pop in unannounced to present absentee ballots already filled out, and “helping” senior citizens to complete the process by adding their signature in his presence. Reporters specifically pressed Cachola on rumors that his “voter assistance” included intimidation and threats.
“There were no threats of any kind,” said Cachola. “We simply informed voters that those who do not participate in our program might be subject to playful pranks by some of our ghost members.”
Cachola was referring to deceased voters who regularly vote for him by way of his psychic registrants. Cachola insists that dead voting is completely legitimate and he only uses qualified multi-lingual psychics to complete post-mortem ballots.
“But you know some of our ghost voters can get a little carried away,” noted Cachola. “We’ve heard that cars get keyed, tires slashed, dogs poisoned…that sort of thing.”
“We can’t control them you know, they’re dead, it’s not our fault.”

Mr. Respicio Macatumpag

Co-chairman of Ghosts for Cachola, Mr. Respicio Macatumpag, was unavailable for an interview, but sent a written statement suggesting that it is a long held Filipino custom to honor ones ancestors by allowing them to continue to vote and participate in community decisions. Mr Macatumpag has himself been deceased since since 1954.
“Our organization has been instrumental in preserving our cultural rights for decades” added Cachola. ”Why, any smears about the integrity of our voter outreach to the deceased (or soon to be deceased) would cast aspersions on every one of my past elections!’ fumed Cachola. ”And, I won’t allow that!”