Internet Trolls are United

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 8.11.27 AM

When you do something really stupid, the Internet is there to remind you.

Today’s best trolls on United Airlines

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 8.09.03 AM

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 8.07.07 AM

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 8.06.58 AM.png

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 8.06.49 AM

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 8.03.56 AM

 

Screen Shot 2017-04-11 at 10.29.34 AM

Trolls are also writers…

 

“Your seat cushion can also be used as a defensive device.”

 

“United Airlines. Putting the hospital in hospitality.”

 

“First beating is free, $25 for each additional.”

 

“Board as a doctor, Leave as a patient.”

 

“Now offering one free carry-off.”

 

“United. where our employees come first.”

 

“Plenty of empty seats on United now.”

Missile diplomacy riles Ruskies

Screen Shot 2017-04-07 at 10.43.02 AM

Vladimir Putin issued a tersely worded press statement today

Today the Russians responded to the U.S. attack on a Syrian airfield by 59 Tomahawk Missiles fired from two destroyers in the Mediterranean.  The Russians were not pleased by the attack on their ally Bashar al-Assad’s forces and embarrassed by having several dozen missiles buzzing unmolested past their front-line missile defense system.  The level of agitation is reflected in yesterday’s early morning exchange of tweets between Putin and Trump:

VladTweet1

TrumpTweet

VladTweet2

VladTweet3

Still no clear motive for Chattanooga killings

“He was funny,” said classmates. “Always joking around.”

“He was funny,” said classmates. “Always joking around.”

In spite of the ongoing investigation by both Federal authorities and the media, there appears to be no progress on pinning down the motive for an “All American Kid,” Mohammad Youssuf Abdulazeez, to go on a bloody rampage at U.S. Military facilities in Tennesee. Investigators interviewed his family and classmates but couldn’t find any reason why the likeable young lad would engage in such violent actions. The Imam of his Mosque could not shed any light on any possible motive. “He asked a lot of questions about Jihad and martyrdom,” said the Imam, “but that’s not unusual.” “He was especially interested in all the details of the 72 virgin thing, but a lot of our young men have trouble dating and get fixated on that one,” noted the Imam. Classmate Suzy Clump said she only saw Youssuf get upset once when the cafeteria served pork chops. “He did seem a little testy over that and there were some explosions and the kitchen and part of the auditorium did burn down,” said Clump. “But it wasn’t Youssuf’s fault…we offended his religion first.” “He seemed to settle down when the school board put goat on the menu,” added Clump.

Youssuf was a good student in high school.

Youssuf was a good student in high school.

Federal agents said the downloads on Yousuff’s personal computer revealed nothing suspicious. “We found nothing that would shed any light on this mystery,” said agent Richard Waud. “Just the usual links to goat porn sites, bomb making instructions, the Koran for Dummies and teachings of Osama Bin Laden like any other kid his age.”

Baby Youssuf with his mother in Jordan

Baby Youssuf with his mother in Jordan

“He did have a note instructing him to ‘kill all the dog-fucker infidel American soldiers’ when he was shot, but since it wasn’t signed by any known terrorists or on ISIS letterhead we had to disregarded it.”

During a recent trip to visit his uncle in the middle east he playfully posed next to a “Death to American Infidels” banner.

During a recent trip to visit his uncle in the middle east Youssuf playfully posed next to a “Death to American Infidels” banner.

President Obama addresses conflicted policy on terrorism

President Barack Obama has vigorously denied any overt sympathy for Muslims.

President Barack Obama has vigorously denied any overt sympathy for Muslims.

“The heinous attacks in Paris are yet one more reminder of the awful spectre of workplace violence and the obscene proliferation of assault weapons.” said the president at today press conference.

When questioned by the media, the president refused to acknowledge any connection to the attackers being Islamic radicals or terrorists.

“Islam is the religion of peace, Muslims could not possibly be involved!” remarked the president. “I find your wild insinuations to be cavalier and racist.”

“This was an isolated incident perpetrated by disgruntled job seekers, who just happened to be from an immigrant community,” said Obama. “They probably got access to their military-grade weapons through U.S. mail order gun operation Cheaper Than Dirt – we are also investigating their possible membership in the NRA and recent phone calls placed to Mossad as we speak.”

Obama went on to criticize the lack of opportunities for immigrants in western countries and vowed to open the U.S. borders as a gateway and standard for acceptance and multiculturalism. “America has a proud history of assimilating immigrants from all over the world,” asserted the President. “Now, it’s America’s turn to be assimilated! If it’s Allah’s will.”

A spokesman from Al Qaeda in Yemen issued the following response to the president’s statement. “While we appreciate your president’s continued support we do feel a little slighted by his recent remarks.” Said Mahmud Ghoughtmollestir. “We planned this whole attack and activated our sleeper cell, and we deserve the credit.”

“We are also getting really tired of the new U.S. Government reports that the attack on 9/11 was really an accident by student pilots, and that Osama was actually killed cleaning his own unregistered firearm (also purchased at Cheaper Than Dirt)….I mean….really?”

“This is no secret that we are Islamic fundamentalists hell-bent on world conquest, and everybody knows it,” added Ghoughtmollestir. “What part of ‘kill all the infidels,’ and ‘get your 72 virgins here’ does Obama not understand?”

“I appreciate his trying to keep up the front and cover for us…but the cow has left the barn…apparently President Obama did not get the memo.”

Recent renovations to the U.S. Capitol building have left many Beltway observers scratching their heads.

Recent renovations to the U.S. Capitol building have left many Beltway observers scratching their heads.

Japanese visitor runs amok in Waikiki

When he first arrived with his JTB tour  group Godzilla was a manageable 9 ft. tall.

When he first arrived with his JTB tour
group Godzilla was a manageable 9 ft. tall.

Godzilla first came to Hawaii in May with a JTB tour group and was booked into the Royal Hawaiian Hotel.  According to the hotel’s manager, Minami Hiroshi, there weren’t too many problems at first.

“He did defecate in the pool once, but that happens from time to time,” said Mr. Hiroshi. “But, he kept getting bigger and injured other guests when he crowded into the elevator.”

JTB tour guide Misuo Tanabe said the trouble escalated with his constant patronage of Todai’s all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.  “He went there several times a day…and in just a few weeks ballooned up to well over 20,000 tons.”

At that point his attitude also became increasingly hostile.  There as an incident at the Kalakaua Chanel store where he became upset while haggling over prices and ate several clerks.  He then proceeded to destroy half of the Royal Hawaiian Shopping Center and part of the Outrigger.

JTB was contacted and asked to have Godzilla returned to Japan.

“You tell him.” Said Ms Tanabe. “He’s a dam 200 foot fire breathing dinosaur thing.”

Godzilla has outgrown his suite at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and now lives inside Diamond Head Crater

Godzilla has outgrown his suite at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and now lives inside Diamond Head Crater