“The heinous attacks in Paris are yet one more reminder of the awful spectre of workplace violence and the obscene proliferation of assault weapons.” said the president at today press conference.
When questioned by the media, the president refused to acknowledge any connection to the attackers being Islamic radicals or terrorists.
“Islam is the religion of peace, Muslims could not possibly be involved!” remarked the president. “I find your wild insinuations to be cavalier and racist.”
“This was an isolated incident perpetrated by disgruntled job seekers, who just happened to be from an immigrant community,” said Obama. “They probably got access to their military-grade weapons through U.S. mail order gun operation Cheaper Than Dirt – we are also investigating their possible membership in the NRA and recent phone calls placed to Mossad as we speak.”
Obama went on to criticize the lack of opportunities for immigrants in western countries and vowed to open the U.S. borders as a gateway and standard for acceptance and multiculturalism. “America has a proud history of assimilating immigrants from all over the world,” asserted the President. “Now, it’s America’s turn to be assimilated! If it’s Allah’s will.”
A spokesman from Al Qaeda in Yemen issued the following response to the president’s statement. “While we appreciate your president’s continued support we do feel a little slighted by his recent remarks.” Said Mahmud Ghoughtmollestir. “We planned this whole attack and activated our sleeper cell, and we deserve the credit.”
“We are also getting really tired of the new U.S. Government reports that the attack on 9/11 was really an accident by student pilots, and that Osama was actually killed cleaning his own unregistered firearm (also purchased at Cheaper Than Dirt)….I mean….really?”
“This is no secret that we are Islamic fundamentalists hell-bent on world conquest, and everybody knows it,” added Ghoughtmollestir. “What part of ‘kill all the infidels,’ and ‘get your 72 virgins here’ does Obama not understand?”
“I appreciate his trying to keep up the front and cover for us…but the cow has left the barn…apparently President Obama did not get the memo.”