What we learned from Ferguson

Michael Brown as he was portrayed by the media

Michael Brown as he was portrayed by the media

As he actually was…a 6’4”, 300 lb. hulking brute.

As he actually was…a 6’4”, 300 lb. hulking behemoth.

JACKSON: CLEARLY A HATE CRIME

“In yet another startling example of police oppression of the black community, little Michael Brown’s life was snuffed out by a racist cop,” spouted Rev. Jackson.

“This innocent little child was cold-bloodedly executed in the street by a police officer, who, according to witnesses, actually took the time to change into a Klan robe before he delivered to the fatal coupe de grace.”

According to other witnesses, the surprisingly fast (for a white dude) policeman sprinted ahead of the terrified boy, who was running away with his hands up screaming, “please don’t shoot, me suhhh.” The Officer overtook the youth and then turned and fired his weapon in an attempt to make it appear the child was running toward him. He then stood over the wounded and whimpering little boy while repeatedly shooting him at 15-second intervals, pausing only to yell, “How do like me now?” between shots.

Jackson

Jackson

Jackson continued, “This innocent little toddler was denied his right to due process, for allegedly “killing a policeman.” In fact, he was not even allowed to finish killing anybody. He was judged, tired and executed before he could even perform the crime, so how could he possibly be guilty?”

SHARPTON: A FRAME UP AND A COVER UP

Rev. Sharpton has provided proof that Michael Brown’s alleged “robbery” was faked.

Rev. Sharpton has provided proof that Michael Brown’s alleged “robbery” video was faked.

“We are asked to believe that this little boy was a suspect in a strong-arm robbery? But the surveillance video that was released is clearly a fake,” asserted Sharpton.

Rev. Sharpton then produced startling evidence, “We have acquired information from the actual animators forced to create the CGI and special effects that were hurriedly produced to show little “Mikey” attacking the storeowner and stealing cigars.”

Sharpton

Sharpton

“What would a small child want with cigars!” scoffed Sharpton.

“While the Brown child did stop at that convenience store the un-doctored video shows him skipping around with a large lollipop, paying for it with pennies and being patted on the head by Mr. Babu.”

“Obviously, the police will stop at nothing to frame innocent young blacks and cover their own behinds,” concluded Sharpton. “Not since the Tawana Brawley case has our grand jury system failed us so dramatically.”

HOLDER: THE MOB IS ENTITLED TO JUSTICE (OR WHATEVER)

Citizens were denied their constitutional rights of free speech, arson, looting and running around like dumb-asses with their pants around their knees.

Citizens were denied their constitutional rights of free speech, arson, looting and running around like dumb-asses with their pants around their knees.

“As the Attorney General of the United States [yes, he’s still there] I promise to thoroughly and impartially investigate this obvious case of police brutality and violation of civil rights,” announced Holder.

Holder

Holder

“Not just for the brutal execution of little, defenseless Michael Brown, but for the intolerable violation of civil rights perpetrated on the peaceful protesters after the announcement of the Grand Jury decision. The decision was deliberatley withheld until well after dark so as to inconvenience the citizens gathered to express their constitutionally protected right to assemble and protest. They were forced to light fires just to be able to see, and keep warm in the cold of the night. When restrooms and refreshments were not provided by the racist authorities, local storeowners graciously threw open their doors (and windows) and allowed the citizens to use their facilities and acquire beverages.”

Holder continued, “I have discussed the handling of this incident with President Obama and Professor Gruber, and we all agreed that in the future the grand jury process should be replaced by executive authorization for arrests and prosecution. It’s not just about “justice,” added Holder, “what’s more important is delivering the illusion of justice to specific voter blocks.”

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