Here’s a brief sampling of some of the proposed legislation in the works this year competing to waste your tax dollars:
HB 823 – Tom Brower introduced a bill permitting the open carry of sledgehammers, fire axes and cricket bats; also the right to carry concealed claw hammers, for self-defense against rogue shopping carts. Brower has reported being attacked by abandoned carts in his Waikiki district and wants citizens to be able to defend themselves.
HB 378 – Kaniela Ing has submitted a bill that redefines the “anus” as a “mangina.” This is in response to Rep. Bob McDermott questioning the redefinition of “anus” as genitalia in the Pono Choices sex ed program. “That should fix everything,” said Rep. Ing. “Mostly it will keep McDermott from saying anus again.”
HB 443 – Rep. Jessica Wooley, Chair of the Ag Committee, is advancing a bill to make the cultivation of any genetically modified food punishable by life in prison. Any existing products still available with any GMO content must be labeled with 48 pt. type: “THIS PRODUCT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.” Governor Abercrombie has asked that an exemption for GMO Marijuana be attached to the bill.
SB 112 – A related bill submitted on behalf of the Governor was for additional funding for his rooftop garden being installed on the 5th floor of the Capitol Building.
SB 342 – Senator Sam Slom, whose perennial bill to make the Hoary Bat Hawaii’s official mammal has failed repeatedly, will not put out another “bat bill.” Instead he appointing an actual Hoary Bat to be the Minority Whip for the Senate Republicans. “I’m the only Republican left, so I can do whatever I want over here,” said Slom.
SB 953 – Sen. Hee announced a bill to restructure state elections. Under the Hee proposal the State will save millions by conducting all future elections in a closed Democrat primary by voice vote. “We won’t have to bear the cost of printing ballots, counting them or enduring silly campaigns,” said Hee. “Since there are only Democrats left, we can move things along a lot faster and more efficiently now.”
SB 119 – Representative Scott Saiki, in a related election bill, is seeking to eliminate terms limits for the office of Governor. When an existing governor passes away a new governor will be chosen from among the Democrat leadership. The media will be allowed to watch the exhaust fan from the majority caucus room. When the cigar smoke changes from black to grey a new governor will have been selected.