A&E has announced that papa duck, Phil Robertson, has been taken off their popular Duck Dynasty television show following his criticism of gays.
“This is highly rated reality show and we can’t have people just doing whatever they feel like,” said Maury Scheissburger, the show’s executive producer. “In order to keep this show believable the actors have to stay on the script; we’ve had trouble with Phil before.”
According to the show’s director, Marvin Khortakhat, Phil had previously refused to have his front teeth pulled out to help add to the retarded redneck persona that his character is supposed to project.
“But making a stupid statement about your unpopular religious beliefs, and insinuating that sticking your wanker up someone’s poop shoot is somehow not normal is just going too far,” continued Scheissburger. “Phil crossed the line.”
The LBGT community began demanding Roberson’s head immediately following his public statements, based on his Christian beliefs, that homosexual behavior is sinful and aberrant. Gay activists had previously complained that the show lacked diversity since all the main characters were bearded, white rednecks, and was getting too “Jesusy.”
“Where are the blacks, the gays, the muslims, the transsexuals, the lesbian MMA fighters?” asked gay entertainment activist Dick Brown. “This show just depicts one family that has similar values, and that’s not REAL!”
Brown said the situation became intolerable when Roberson actually said what he thought out loud.
“We can’t have major television actors depicting ordinary people who are not part of the effort to promote diversity and freedom,” said the agitated Brown. “We have to shut these people up, and get rid of them, before they threaten the very institution of civil rights!”
“You can’t have some person on national television trying to promote a specific set of lifestyle values,” continued Brown. “It could undo two decades of our major entertainment networks pushing the normalization of gays.”
Scheissburger said the show will move on without Robertson and be more popular than ever.
“The old A&E reality “formula,” Scheissburger explained, “typically involves hillbillies, stupid amounts of money for no apparent reason and missing teeth.”
“We’re going to diversify the cast on Duck Dynasty a bit, by replacing Phil with a new couple, Auntie Bruno and his life partner Otis, the Lesbian lumberjack,” added Scheissburger. “We think our audience will love the new characters; and if they don’t, fuck em. This is reality.”