Exclusive interview with Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden

Atomic Monkey had an exclusive opportunity to interview Edward Snowden via Facetime.  Snowden is an ex-Hawaii resident who worked for the top secret NSA as a contractor until he blew the whistle on the NSA’s role in domestic spying.

AM: First of all thank you for granting us this exclusive interview

Snowden: No problem. How did you get out of prison so fast?

AM: Uh, I never went…

Snowden: Never mind…my bad. Forget about it.

AM: Where are you now?

Snowden: Well, I never got out of the Moscow Airport, so I’m still here in customs…

AM: Sorry to hear that.  Can you tell us what it was like working for the NSA while you were here in Hawaii?

Snowden: Sure.  There’s a lot more of us than people realize, there’s several thousand at the main ops center in the fake volcano. We are each assigned 4 to 6 individuals to monitor. I only had four because they were particularly active online and had extensive records.

AM:  Can you tell us who you were watching?

Snowden: Yeah, doesn’t much matter now, but I had Chad Blair, Dave Shapiro, Ian Lind and some guy named Milton Oshiro.

Snowden monitoring CivilBeat reporter Chad Blair from his own laptop.

Snowden monitoring CivilBeat reporter Chad Blair with his own laptop.

AM: When you say “monitor” them, what does that entail?

Snowden: we pretty much track them 24/7, mostly through their own computer camera and smart phone; but it could involve remote control robotic cockroaches or aerial drones.

AM: Robotic cockroaches?

Snowden: yeah they’re new, they have cameras and radios and can follow you around your house. They can fly too.

AM: So, why is all this domestic spying going on?

Snowden: When it comes to media people, the government wants a little control over the subject matter…you know, if they start sniffing at a story that’s “off limits” we give them something else to think about.

AM: Like what?

Snowden: It’s not like we fire on them from the drone or anything, I mean usually we don’t.  We distract them and modify their behavior with simple stuff like reducing their credit rating, giving their kids straight D’s, suprise tax audits, unidentifiable medical bills, and my favorite…bedbugs.  Those are a bitch.

[At this point the connection was cut off.]

Model BG1295 NSA robotic reconnaissance roach.

Model BG1295 NSA robotic reconnaissance roach.


One response

  1. If you reconnect with Snowden, ask him what NSA knows about that guy named Wong — the silent silent partner in the Bishop, Baldwin, Rewald, Dillingham & Wong firm. We never learned enough about that guy.

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