Ben Cayetano Finally Releases His Alternative Transit Plan

Ben Cayetano unveiled this artist’s rendering that shows how his new BRT system will look.

Today, Ben Cayetano, anti-rail candidate for Honolulu Mayor, unveiled his long awaited alternative transit plan to replace rail.  Ben admitted that it wasn’t easy keeping all of his supporters happy with the final plan, as each has pretty strong opinions about what should be done.

“We call our new plan Super BRT!” Exclaimed Cayetano. “it stands for Bambucha Reject Technology.”

The plan incorporates a half dozen ideas and technologies that have already been abandoned as obsolete, too dependent on imported oil, or just plain lolo.  However, the Cayetano team insists that when all used together they miraculously produce a superior solution.

“We decided to build a new plan that had everyone’s ideas all merged together,” explained Cayetano. “We even put a couple of those crappy Philius buses in, so Ann can finally take that trip to Denmark.”

The existing city buses will be repainted with the new BRT logo, and the fleet will be augmented by leasing private buses from Charlie’s and other tour operators.

“We felt it was important to cut small business in, and you know, let them wet their beaks a little,” explained Cayetano.

The completed plan calls for building an elevated HOT lane highway, as originally proposed by Cliff Slater. This would allow for the implementation of Jeremy Harris’s BRT plan without taking any lanes from Dillingham Boulevard.  Instead the gigantic elevated structure will go down Nimitz Highway as an extention of the existing H-1 viaduct.  the first toll booths will be set up near Aloha Stadium for access to the viaduct, other non paying traffic will have to use the old Nimitz Highway underneath the structure.

“We should be able to make $10 a pop on everyone coming and going to the airport or the Arizona Memorial,” beamed Cayetano.

“We were pressed by the Outdoor Circle about the ‘visual blight’ thing, because our structure is over twice as big as the current rail guide way,” said Cayetano.  “But, when we showed them our plan to paint it like a giant hibiscus hedge, they were all for it.”

The end of the elevated section will be at Aloha Tower, whose parking lot will be condemed for the Panos Prevedorous Tunnel.  This way no views will be blocked from judges offices in the Federal Court Building. We had a hard time figuring out what to do with all the traffic when it gets downtown, so we will send it all into the tunnel.  Where the tunnel emerges is still being debated by Cayetano’s team, but most agreed it will likely be Kahala Mall where the town-bound traffic is lighter.

“It is sort of a bypass of downtown altogether,” said Prevedorous.  “I always wanted to build a tunnel somewhere, so when Ben asked me what I wanted out of this I jumped at it.”

“The commuters from the Leeward Side have always been envious of our easy commute from East Honolulu,” added Panos. “This will allow them to zip under the city and then experience the more pleasant commute from the other side.”

The Cayetano plan guarantees such high cost to travel it will finally reduce traffic.

When asked if they had evaluated any new technology Cayetano was quick to respond, “Well, Exxon and the Koch Brothers pretty much insisted that everything run on petroleum, so we were kind of limited there.”

Asked how much his plan would cost to build compared to rail, Cayetano was less committal. “We have Dennis Mitsunaga looking at it right now, and we think we can bring it in for about the same price range between $5 and $10 billion.”


13 responses

  1. So who has Ben anointed to replace him if he gets elected, kills rail, and waddles back to retirement on the golf course with his new posse of ritzy cronies? He basically admitted he has no real interest in being mayor or serving a full term, in case that wasn’t already obvious. Who’s on the short list to pick up the pieces of this mess in the making?

    • He basically admitted he has no real interest in being mayor or serving a full term,

      That’s known colloquially as “pulling a Mufi.” Hey….maybe if Ben win then bails we can get Mufi back and start this whole thing over again!

  2. If Ben won’t talk about his transit plans, maybe this piece will smoke him out. How can you on an anti-rail platform and not talk about your alternative? What would replace rail (maybe nothing)?

    • That’s what was asked of Ann Kobayashi when she ran for mayor…at the last minute she produced the “half-baked manapua” plan called EzyWay. It was cooked up by Panos and was a total wreck. Ben has the same people trying to re-launch the same BS plan. This time they should have the integrity to go ahead and call it….The SleazyWay.

  3. If the choices are to spend a metric crap ton of money on something that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to (pssst….less traffic) then maybe “nothing” is a good alternative.

    Like I tell the wife I want that nice fishing reel, cost only $500. She says no, cannot afford and you buy your poke at Foodland anyway never go near the ocean. I suck teeth awhile and say,gee wifey, if I don’t buy that reeI get no reel at all. She says, yun huh.

    Reel, rail, same, same.

  4. What I would like to know is how his Super BRT plan stacks up against the Institute for Transportation & Development Policy (ITDP) BRT Standard 1.0. It ranks BRT systems on a 100 point scale and awards Gold, Silver or Bronze awards to those systems that closely match the standrd.

  5. Eh, Dexter, if you want facts, science and accuracy you got the wrong web site. We specialize in snark. The Monkey won’t tolerate logic, reason or coherent arguments. It’s in the Terms if Use.

    Personally, I’m still miffed (finally got to use that word) that my plan for end-to-end people movers from Kapolei to UH Manoa was rejected. They work at airports so why not?

  6. All right, you want smirk, Panos graduated from Northwestern in the Chicago area. The region is full of mass transit, but all he is known to talk about is driving his car along Lake Michigan. He has worked only on highway and airport projects but considers himself an expert on all transportation projects. He seems to have ignored what was around him at the time. That’s something like going to Paris to study art and ignoring the Louvre.

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