Today, Ben Cayetano, anti-rail candidate for Honolulu Mayor, unveiled his long awaited alternative transit plan to replace rail. Ben admitted that it wasn’t easy keeping all of his supporters happy with the final plan, as each has pretty strong opinions about what should be done.
“We call our new plan Super BRT!” Exclaimed Cayetano. “it stands for Bambucha Reject Technology.”
The plan incorporates a half dozen ideas and technologies that have already been abandoned as obsolete, too dependent on imported oil, or just plain lolo. However, the Cayetano team insists that when all used together they miraculously produce a superior solution.
“We decided to build a new plan that had everyone’s ideas all merged together,” explained Cayetano. “We even put a couple of those crappy Philius buses in, so Ann can finally take that trip to Denmark.”
The existing city buses will be repainted with the new BRT logo, and the fleet will be augmented by leasing private buses from Charlie’s and other tour operators.
“We felt it was important to cut small business in, and you know, let them wet their beaks a little,” explained Cayetano.
The completed plan calls for building an elevated HOT lane highway, as originally proposed by Cliff Slater. This would allow for the implementation of Jeremy Harris’s BRT plan without taking any lanes from Dillingham Boulevard. Instead the gigantic elevated structure will go down Nimitz Highway as an extention of the existing H-1 viaduct. the first toll booths will be set up near Aloha Stadium for access to the viaduct, other non paying traffic will have to use the old Nimitz Highway underneath the structure.
“We should be able to make $10 a pop on everyone coming and going to the airport or the Arizona Memorial,” beamed Cayetano.
“We were pressed by the Outdoor Circle about the ‘visual blight’ thing, because our structure is over twice as big as the current rail guide way,” said Cayetano. “But, when we showed them our plan to paint it like a giant hibiscus hedge, they were all for it.”
The end of the elevated section will be at Aloha Tower, whose parking lot will be condemed for the Panos Prevedorous Tunnel. This way no views will be blocked from judges offices in the Federal Court Building. We had a hard time figuring out what to do with all the traffic when it gets downtown, so we will send it all into the tunnel. Where the tunnel emerges is still being debated by Cayetano’s team, but most agreed it will likely be Kahala Mall where the town-bound traffic is lighter.
“It is sort of a bypass of downtown altogether,” said Prevedorous. “I always wanted to build a tunnel somewhere, so when Ben asked me what I wanted out of this I jumped at it.”
“The commuters from the Leeward Side have always been envious of our easy commute from East Honolulu,” added Panos. “This will allow them to zip under the city and then experience the more pleasant commute from the other side.”
When asked if they had evaluated any new technology Cayetano was quick to respond, “Well, Exxon and the Koch Brothers pretty much insisted that everything run on petroleum, so we were kind of limited there.”
Asked how much his plan would cost to build compared to rail, Cayetano was less committal. “We have Dennis Mitsunaga looking at it right now, and we think we can bring it in for about the same price range between $5 and $10 billion.”