Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, expressed her shock and apologized on behalf of the Obama administration to terrorists everywhere.
“These R Kelly wannabes could set back our planned surrender to the Taliban by months,” lamented Clinton. “We simply have to be more respectful of Islamic culture while we are visitors in that part of the world.”
To that end, Clinton has collaborated with pop star turned Ayatollah and cross cultural mutant, Cat Stevens, to pen a new best seller on Islamic cultural sensitivity. The book’s now mandatory reading for troops being shipped out to the middle east.
Cat & Hillary’s Big Book of Muslim Etiquette, focuses on proper conduct while interacting with, bombing, blasting with drones or otherwise dismantling, Islamic societies.
“Our cultures are very different and often clash,” said Secretary Clinton. “This can lead to unforgivable atrocities by our troops like naked pyramid construction with detainees and Koran toilet paper stunts.”
Conversely, Islamic terrorists are surprised and confused by what offends Americans.
“For example when we gang rape your journalists in the streets of Cairo it’s no big deal to us” offered Stevens. “Women are pretty much like goats so who cares…why the big fuss?”
“Yes,” agreed Clinton “when your people stone a runaway child bride, or saw off a defenseless hostage’s head on YouTube, or even just blow yourself up in a crowd, it would be considered a no no in the U.S.”
“Exactly! In Afghanistan or Iran it’s just everyday life! Like barbecuing an American contractor and hanging his smoking carcass from a bridge…just our way of expressing ourselves,” added Stevens.
Secretary Clinton briefly challenged Mullah Cat. “Well, you have to admit crashing planes into New York’s World Trade Center and killing thousands of innocent people was downright rude.”
“But, Hillary,” responded Stevens, “We are not a rich country like the United States, so we must ad lib a little on our weapons of mass destruction.”
“But when we get our nukes we promise to be more conventional, Allah willing.” added Stevens, politely. “But, thanks to the Israelis blowing up our scientists, it’s going to take a little longer.”
At least, they had the decency to not pee on them and cause a real problem.