Monkey Bites

Words Mean Something – Governor Abercrombie signed a new bill that eliminated mental retardation in Hawaii. Actually it just changed the name to the more politically correct “intellectual disability.” Additionally, those guilty of “robbery’ will be now culpable only of “inappropriate entrepreneurial activity,” “assault” suspects are now “physically expressive,” those hopelessly insane are to be referred to as “reality challenged,” and, of course the homeless are “feral citizens.” The Governor vetoed the bill to change “Republicans,” to “Criminal Running Dog Lackeys,” but it will probably be back next year.

A Rose By Any Other Name – The city moved a bus stop recently so as to avoid exposure to a stinky homeless woman who had camped out in the bus shelter. The driver said that when the bus door was opened the stench would permeate the entire vehicle and hang there for several torturous minutes. Ironically, due to the failure of Councilman Tam’s stinky bus patron bill, the homeless woman could not have been blocked from boarding the bus causing total chaos and possible toxic contamination.

Kym Pine On Hold – Tom Berg’s Chief of Staff, Eric Ryan, is busy trying to convince us Kym is a “crook”. Of course she isn’t, but the perpetually disgruntled, allegedly under-compensated, graphic design thug is behind schedule on conjuring his “proof” for his latest web creation. The next in his never ending series of Internet assaults was supposed to launch on Friday the 15th. However, it simply featured a message stating that the delay was caused by “major, major, MAJOR breaking news at City Hall.” Perhaps the big news is that Eric actually showed up for work instead of fooling around with his little internet extortion games.

Another Truckload of Sh*t From The Council – With his renewed clout at the “re-organized” City Council, Romy Cachola pulled the funding for the expansion of the Sand Island wastewater treatment plant. This forced the administration to consider trucking sludge to other Oahu treatment plants like Kailua, and caused predictable resistance from regional politicos. The original plan to dump the excess sludge on Romy’s house was nixed by the EPA.

Harness The Wind – With all the discussions, opinions and prognostications about wind projects on the Neighbor Islands, it was pointed out that if the wind farms had been built before the lengthy debate and endless discussions they could have already powered 30,000 homes. The portable wind generators being towed in front of Abercrombie public appearances have proven to be extremely productive.

Berg’s Spam Operation – Councilman Tom Berg sent the StarAdvertiser a nasty letter accusing them of censoring his anti-rail rants from the ranks of the blog comments. The SA, known for graciously allowing all sorts of unhinged, inflammatory and slanderous comments denied any special treatment for Berg. They blamed his denial of service on automated spam blocking software that had flagged the Councilman’s efforts as “spam.” They suggested that if he simply inserted the term “Mufia” or “Carliar” in his texts, his entries would go to the front of the line.

Barn Door Closed After Cows Leave – Governor Abercrombie restored ten agricultural inspector positions that were cut in 2009. This will allow the Department of Agriculture to step up its monitoring of invasive species and help to protect Hawaii’s fragile ecosystem. When asked if this had anything to do with the 127 dead rattlesnakes found on the road between Sandy Beach and Makapuu Lookout, or the recent rhinoceros attack in Kapolei, the Governor had no comment.


3 responses

  1. One at a time, from the top.

    “Bullshit” will now be “dubiously enhanced.”

    I heard the lady at the bus stop was mistaken for Ann Kobayashi, but that might not be true.

    The real MAJOR NEWS is that somebody is totally nuts, but that news is pretty old already. Let the epic pissing match begin!

    It almost seems like Cachola thought he was really, really entitled to something from the the sludge plant company but didn’t get it and is hell-bent on revenge.

    Abercrombie’s foul wind would melt the generators.

    Note to Tom: Paranoia will destroy ya.

    It was also revealed that invasive species of snakes and weasels have infested the Capitol and City Hall, prompting the voters to flea in horror. The governor assigned some former liquor inspectors to get to the bottom of it.

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