Jose Baez Found Not Guilty of Courtroom Incompetence

Defense lawyers were criticized for playing 'You have to fight for your right to party' by the Beastie Boys during their post-verdict press conference.

Today, Jose Baez secured a ‘not guilty’ verdict for his client Casey Anthony, exonerating him from charges of incompetence. His “Chewbacca” defense of Anthony (see video at right) was widely criticized by media harpies reporting on the trial, almost all of whom  had predicted convictions on all counts.

The secret to success in our jury system, however, seems to be determined by the selection of the jury not the trial itself. From among the hundreds of people who are too stupid to avoid jury duty, the wise defense lawyer must winnow out those most likely to side with his morally bankrupt and obviously guilty defendant. This takes special insight into the dark underbelly of humanity. The extreme skill of Defense Attorney Baez, and the success of his strategy, was showcased by this sampling of remarks made by the actual jurors after

Having dodged a death sentence, Anthony should still be able to catch the second half of summer break.

their acquittal of Ms. Anthony.

Juror #3 said, “At first I thought she was guilty, but then I heared that them extraterrestrials was involved I wasn’t so sure no more. I hate them danged sneaky Greys and, once I heared them boogers was involved it was all bets off.”

Juror #7 just kept chanting, “If the da glove don’t fit, yo must acquit!”

“I could relate to that poor girl,” said Juror #11 “I don’t have much book-learnin neither, and don’t know about all that fancy ‘mammals have to breath air’ science stuff. We didn’t have no Biography in the 3rd grade. Besides it’s dang near impossible to punch air holes in the trunk of a car.”

Juror #4 framed the trial as just anti-choice politics, “It comes down to a woman’s right to choose; to control her own body. I know some would say an 11th trimester abortion is a little extreme, but I firmly believe that a fetus is not a person until it’s 18 years old and can sign a legal contract.”

Juror #8 remains convinced it was gators, “The body was found in a swamp…gators live in a swamp…so, it was gators. Nuff said.”

“You must have never had any kids,” added Juror #5. “Sometimes you just have to use chloroform and duct tape on em just to keep your sanity. Especially when you run out of Zoloft and Prozac.”

The other jurors were unavailable to the media for comment as they had to return to prison or their halfway houses as soon as court was adjourned.

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6 responses

  1. However, in a surprise turnaround, Casey was given non-concurrent 75 year sentences on each of 4 counts for lying to police.

    Authorities report the unusual sentences were based on the cumulative impact of billions of Fox News tweets and the desperate efforts of Nancy Grace to retain some level of relevance in the twisted world of media law commentary.

  2. My alternate comment was that the jury was sponsored by the author and publisher of the hit book: “Go the F**k to Sleep”.

    Sorry. Too soon.

  3. Can we get a fresh post, Monkey?

    I keep reading this headline and thinking it says “Joan Baez” and now I’m pissed off.

    Do I need to contact Eric Ryan for some new material?

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