Governor Announces Gay Soccer Tournament to Replace Pro Bowl

The Governor's planned three-day gay soccer tournament will feature disco lighting and nude matches.

Today, Governor Neil Abercrombie announced the NFL’s annual Pro Bowl would be replaced with a multi-team gay soccer tournament.

“You scoffed when I told you we could make more money with civil unions in one weekend than the Pro Bowl” said Abercrombie. “But, we will show you!”

When asked by one reporter if the Governor had any financial projections to back up his plan in comparison to the 30-year-long relationship with the NFL, Abercrombie erupted into a heated political diatribe:

“The People’s Democratic Republic of Hawaii will not be cowed by imperialist stooges and their NFL running dog lackeys,” fumed the Gov. “You ultra-right wing aggressors, who have stretched your tentacles of crime-woven aggression and greed, will be mercilessly crushed by the weapon of singlehearted unity!”

“We must seize the $4 million wasted on this idle bourgeois spectacle and return it to the glorious workers for the education of their children in the values of Marx and Lenin for the everlasting glory of our great worker’s paradise and our Eternal Leader, Barack Obama.”

“Any despicable flunkies will be annihilated by our fresh revolutionary upswing! All you anti-socialist hooligans and capitalist robbers, would be well advised to behave with discretion or we will grind you beneath our boots!”

See the Speech

The Governor’s press people called an end to the press conference, and packed up the informational displays about the gay soccer tournament without taking any questions.

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