Calvin Say fitted with tracking device

Speaker Souki announced today that the review committee assembled to determine Representative Calvin Say’s actual place of residence has decided to fit the legislator with a radio collar to track his exact migration pattern.

Representative Say will begin wearing the GPS tracking collar immediately.

Representative Say will begin wearing the GPS tracking collar immediately.

“We want to settle this thing once and for all,” said Souki. “It’s been going on for almost twenty years now.”

Representative Say has been criticized over the years for actually living outside his St. Louis Heights house district, State law requires that representatives live in the district that they represent.

The actual device, an Astro 320 tracking collar, was fitted on Say immediately following the committee meeting.  According to a Astro company spokesperson, Osgood Zeebeard, the Astro 320 can record Mr. Say’s activities 24/7, no matter where he goes on the island.

Astro 320 Tracker

Astro 320 Tracker

“The paired Astro 320 navigator is typically used for tracking large mammals and  unlocks the information for the nature scientists to see tracked animal whereabouts.” added Zeebeard.

“It will definitey show where he goes at night'” says Zeebeard. “And, it’s bear-proof, so we don’t think Calvin will be able to get it off.”

New HEI logo captures corporate essence

New HEI logo based on Chinese Handcuffs.

New HEI logo based on Chinese Handcuffs.

“When we began creative development of the Hawaiian Electric’s new logo we were looking for a symbol that could capture the essence of the corporation’s relationship to the people of Hawaii,” said graphic designer Oswald Gouche. “We settled on a stylized rendering of the classic Chinese Handcuffs.”

Oswald Gouche, head designer at Kinko's in Bakersfield, CA.

Oswald Gouche, head designer at Kinko’s in Bakersfield, CA.

According to Gouche the simple child’s toy that traps unwary children or slightly retarded adults (who instinctively struggle to free themselves by trying to pull away only to become more trapped) pretty much sums up HEI. “Being a monopoly has certain advantages,” says Gouche. “Hawaii may struggle, but they just get stuck more…we were just trying to make their predicament more fun.”

“We also looked at a rat glue trap, but couldn’t make it work visually.”

A HEI spokeperson, Cheryl Matsuura, noted that the Chinese Handcuff motif has nothing to do with “trapping” their customers or implying that they’re too dumb to escape.

“We don’t force anyone to use electricity,” says Matsuura. “If they want to use batteries and candles that’s fine with us.”

Some critics say that HEI executives already knew they were going to sell out to Next Era of Florida, so lost interest in the new corporate identity program and let Gouche do pretty much whatever he wanted.

Brady opens up about his ball problem

Brady tells press that enough has been said about his balls.

Brady tells the press that enough has been said about his balls.

“It’s not like I’m Marshawn Lynch and have to check them after every play.” said an exasperated Tom Brady. “Everybody knows that when it’s cold outside, like in the twenties, they get a little more compact.”

The issue just doesn’t seem to want to go away, with the NFL front office now involved in a full blown investigation of what may be another rule violation by the New England Patriots.  The accusation came following their playoff game with the Baltimore Ravens when defensive end Chris Canty went public. “This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten ahold of one of Brady’s balls,” explained Canty, “but during our playoff game they felt a title softer than usual.”

The NFL has already made new rules for the SuperBowl and will require Brady to have his balls spot checked, measured by calipers and weighed by the Referee during official time outs throughout the game.

Golfer Robert Allenby comes clean on Honolulu abduction story

Allenby says it's time to explain what really happened,

Allenby says it’s time to explain what really happened,

After being criticized by the media for inconsistencies in his story, pro golfer Robert Allenby has come clean with what he says is the real story of what happened at Honolulu’s Amuse Wine Bar.

“I should not have made up that stuff about being kidnapped by North Korean agents, but no one would have believed the real story,” said Allenby. “Thank God, a witness came forward with that photograph…now I can tell the truth.”

New photo surfaces that shows Allenby's abduction taking place.

New photo surfaces that shows Allenby’s abduction taking place.

Allenby was referring to an astonishing photo that has come forward showing what looks like a UFO hovering over the Honolulu Design Center and “beaming” what appears to be Allenby aboard the craft.

“That what happened by Crikey,” confirmed Allenby. “I was taking a whiz and the next thing I know I’m rising up through a hole in the roof, right into that dam saucer.”

“Those dam little gray buggers stole my wallet, shoved a probe up my arse and dropped me into that planter where they found me,” explained the battered golfer. “I hate those little bastards.”

Recent surveillance video released by the police reinforces the latest version of this story. Video taken later that night shows what could best be described as a gray alien using Allenby’s Mastercard in an attempt to purchase tequila at a convenience store less than a mile from where the abduction took place.

Surveillance footage shows attempt to use Allenby's stolen credit card

Surveillance footage shows attempt to use Allenby’s stolen credit card

President Obama addresses conflicted policy on terrorism

President Barack Obama has vigorously denied any overt sympathy for Muslims.

President Barack Obama has vigorously denied any overt sympathy for Muslims.

“The heinous attacks in Paris are yet one more reminder of the awful spectre of workplace violence and the obscene proliferation of assault weapons.” said the president at today press conference.

When questioned by the media, the president refused to acknowledge any connection to the attackers being Islamic radicals or terrorists.

“Islam is the religion of peace, Muslims could not possibly be involved!” remarked the president. “I find your wild insinuations to be cavalier and racist.”

“This was an isolated incident perpetrated by disgruntled job seekers, who just happened to be from an immigrant community,” said Obama. “They probably got access to their military-grade weapons through U.S. mail order gun operation Cheaper Than Dirt – we are also investigating their possible membership in the NRA and recent phone calls placed to Mossad as we speak.”

Obama went on to criticize the lack of opportunities for immigrants in western countries and vowed to open the U.S. borders as a gateway and standard for acceptance and multiculturalism. “America has a proud history of assimilating immigrants from all over the world,” asserted the President. “Now, it’s America’s turn to be assimilated! If it’s Allah’s will.”

A spokesman from Al Qaeda in Yemen issued the following response to the president’s statement. “While we appreciate your president’s continued support we do feel a little slighted by his recent remarks.” Said Mahmud Ghoughtmollestir. “We planned this whole attack and activated our sleeper cell, and we deserve the credit.”

“We are also getting really tired of the new U.S. Government reports that the attack on 9/11 was really an accident by student pilots, and that Osama was actually killed cleaning his own unregistered firearm (also purchased at Cheaper Than Dirt)….I mean….really?”

“This is no secret that we are Islamic fundamentalists hell-bent on world conquest, and everybody knows it,” added Ghoughtmollestir. “What part of ‘kill all the infidels,’ and ‘get your 72 virgins here’ does Obama not understand?”

“I appreciate his trying to keep up the front and cover for us…but the cow has left the barn…apparently President Obama did not get the memo.”

Recent renovations to the U.S. Capitol building have left many Beltway observers scratching their heads.

Recent renovations to the U.S. Capitol building have left many Beltway observers scratching their heads.

Aaron Johanson begins 2015 by shedding his skin and slithering across the aisle

Rep. Johanson goes from Republican leader to Democrat functionary overnight without missing a beat.

Rep. Johanson goes from Republican leader to Democrat functionary overnight without missing a beat.

Former Republican Party Minority House Leader, Aaron Johanson, has started the new year by officially jumping parties. By renouncing his Republican Party Leadership post and ignoring his district’s voters in the 2014 election, Mr. Johanson has sworn allegiance to the liberal branch of the Hawaii Democrat Party.

This startling 180 degree reversal in Johanson’s presumed principles has left some Hawaii political observers scratching their heads and Republican officials somewhat miffed.

“Let me put this into simple terms,” said one GOP official. “Aaron is a sniveling, self-serving rat.”

Johanson whined that he was not appreciated and that conservative factions within the party were trying to force him to adhere to a “purer ideology.”

But, according to House Rep. Bob McDermott, “We were just asking him to act less like a liberal Democrat and take his nose out of Joe Souki’s behind.” “At least come out for air on occasion,” added McDermott.

Souki attended a press conference and graciously intervened when Rep. Scott Saiki insisted on placing Johanson’s head on a spike on the Iolani Palace fence. “He has always been one of us,” said Speaker Souki in a remark directed to Rep. Saiki, in an apparent confirmation of the rumor that Johanson was a double agent sent to further disrupt the remnants of the Hawaii GOP.

Johanson’s ally and fellow stealth Democrat, Cynthia Thielen, decried the “Tea Party element” within the minority caucus who insist on acting like Republicans “at least every once and while.”

According to Thielen, “Hawaii Republicans must abandon their outdated principles and begin serving their Democrat masters, or risk total extinction.”

“It’s just the way it is around here, there’s a new order” said Thielen, “It really doesn’t matter anymore what you call yourself – just look at my voting record.”

North Korean dictator issues international ban on American movie

Caption goes here.

“The film falsely made me look like some kind of unstable maniacal idiot,” fumed the disgruntled supreme leader

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has placed the dreaded FU rating on Sony’s latest release The Interview causing the studio to recall the film and issue arrest warrants for it’s stars Seth Rogan and James Franco. As a result of the unusually harsh rating (FU – not suitable for anyone under any circumstances), the North Korean Film Review Board also issued orders for all of Sony’s private files to be immediately released to the public. The released documents featured catty email about stars and other highly classified material.

Caption goes.

According to Cyber-Security Chief Wang (shown on left), North Korea has the most sophisticated IT infrastructure on the planet

Chief Cyber-Security Specialist  Suk Mi Wang was personally assigned to oversee the acquisition and dispersal of Sony’s files. Mi Fuk Yu, previous Head Hacker of Bureau 121, North Korea’s Internet Police, was unceremoniously fired, and summarily executed last June, when his department failed to police unflattering tweets of Dear Brother in a timely matter.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un takes policing the world wide web to be serious business. “Not only did the film attempt to make a fool out of me,” raged Un, “It even showed me being blown up!” “How can you make an immortal supreme being blow up!”

“We’ll see if Mr. Rogan and Mr. Franco find MY new movie, American Idiots Torn Apart by Starving Dogs, to be equally humorous,” added the miffed Supreme Commander. “Only we won’t be using CGI or stunt doubles!”

The entire Internet will be shut down if clips showing a fake Kim Jong Un being blow up are not removed immediately.

The entire Internet will be shut down if clips showing a fake Kim Jong Un being blown up are not removed immediately.

What we learned from Ferguson

Michael Brown as he was portrayed by the media

Michael Brown as he was portrayed by the media

As he actually was…a 6’4”, 300 lb. hulking brute.

As he actually was…a 6’4”, 300 lb. hulking behemoth.

JACKSON: CLEARLY A HATE CRIME

“In yet another startling example of police oppression of the black community, little Michael Brown’s life was snuffed out by a racist cop,” spouted Rev. Jackson.

“This innocent little child was cold-bloodedly executed in the street by a police officer, who, according to witnesses, actually took the time to change into a Klan robe before he delivered to the fatal coupe de grace.”

According to other witnesses, the surprisingly fast (for a white dude) policeman sprinted ahead of the terrified boy, who was running away with his hands up screaming, “please don’t shoot, me suhhh.” The Officer overtook the youth and then turned and fired his weapon in an attempt to make it appear the child was running toward him. He then stood over the wounded and whimpering little boy while repeatedly shooting him at 15-second intervals, pausing only to yell, “How do like me now?” between shots.

Jackson

Jackson

Jackson continued, “This innocent little toddler was denied his right to due process, for allegedly “killing a policeman.” In fact, he was not even allowed to finish killing anybody. He was judged, tired and executed before he could even perform the crime, so how could he possibly be guilty?”

SHARPTON: A FRAME UP AND A COVER UP

Rev. Sharpton has provided proof that Michael Brown’s alleged “robbery” was faked.

Rev. Sharpton has provided proof that Michael Brown’s alleged “robbery” video was faked.

“We are asked to believe that this little boy was a suspect in a strong-arm robbery? But the surveillance video that was released is clearly a fake,” asserted Sharpton.

Rev. Sharpton then produced startling evidence, “We have acquired information from the actual animators forced to create the CGI and special effects that were hurriedly produced to show little “Mikey” attacking the storeowner and stealing cigars.”

Sharpton

Sharpton

“What would a small child want with cigars!” scoffed Sharpton.

“While the Brown child did stop at that convenience store the un-doctored video shows him skipping around with a large lollipop, paying for it with pennies and being patted on the head by Mr. Babu.”

“Obviously, the police will stop at nothing to frame innocent young blacks and cover their own behinds,” concluded Sharpton. “Not since the Tawana Brawley case has our grand jury system failed us so dramatically.”

HOLDER: THE MOB IS ENTITLED TO JUSTICE (OR WHATEVER)

Citizens were denied their constitutional rights of free speech, arson, looting and running around like dumb-asses with their pants around their knees.

Citizens were denied their constitutional rights of free speech, arson, looting and running around like dumb-asses with their pants around their knees.

“As the Attorney General of the United States [yes, he’s still there] I promise to thoroughly and impartially investigate this obvious case of police brutality and violation of civil rights,” announced Holder.

Holder

Holder

“Not just for the brutal execution of little, defenseless Michael Brown, but for the intolerable violation of civil rights perpetrated on the peaceful protesters after the announcement of the Grand Jury decision. The decision was deliberatley withheld until well after dark so as to inconvenience the citizens gathered to express their constitutionally protected right to assemble and protest. They were forced to light fires just to be able to see, and keep warm in the cold of the night. When restrooms and refreshments were not provided by the racist authorities, local storeowners graciously threw open their doors (and windows) and allowed the citizens to use their facilities and acquire beverages.”

Holder continued, “I have discussed the handling of this incident with President Obama and Professor Gruber, and we all agreed that in the future the grand jury process should be replaced by executive authorization for arrests and prosecution. It’s not just about “justice,” added Holder, “what’s more important is delivering the illusion of justice to specific voter blocks.”