As Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers plummet, a new, fresh, furry face has emerged as a potential challenger. Limberbutt McCubbins, a cat from Kentucky, is gaining strong national support.
Clearly, when faced with the current choices limited to an obnoxious crook, a doddering old socialist, and possibly the biggest dufus to ever be Vice President of the United States, Dems are actively considering their non-human options.
McCubbins is running a strong campaign with his catchy slogan of “Meow is the Time!”
McCubbins is not the first cat to seek elective office. Incumbent Mayor Stubs of Talkeetna, Alaska was first elected in 1997.
Deez Nuts probes Limberbutt
Another new player in the presidential race is Deez Nuts, an Independent who has polled well in Iowa and North Carolina.
Nuts polled his fans on his Facebook page on August 13, 2015, asking whether he should reach out to fellow joke presidential hopeful, Kentucky feline Limberbutt McCubbins, for a possible Nuts/McCubbins ticket. Nuts has acknowledged McCubbins as an inspiration for his presidential run. McCubbins responded the same day, saying he was thrilled to have inspired Deez Nuts; however, he stopped short of endorsing Deez Nuts or agreeing to the potential ticket.
In spite of the ongoing investigation by both Federal authorities and the media, there appears to be no progress on pinning down the motive for an “All American Kid,” Mohammad Youssuf Abdulazeez, to go on a bloody rampage at U.S. Military facilities in Tennesee. Investigators interviewed his family and classmates but couldn’t find any reason why the likeable young lad would engage in such violent actions. The Imam of his Mosque could not shed any light on any possible motive. “He asked a lot of questions about Jihad and martyrdom,” said the Imam, “but that’s not unusual.” “He was especially interested in all the details of the 72 virgin thing, but a lot of our young men have trouble dating and get fixated on that one,” noted the Imam. Classmate Suzy Clump said she only saw Youssuf get upset once when the cafeteria served pork chops. “He did seem a little testy over that and there were some explosions and the kitchen and part of the auditorium did burn down,” said Clump. “But it wasn’t Youssuf’s fault…we offended his religion first.” “He seemed to settle down when the school board put goat on the menu,” added Clump.
Federal agents said the downloads on Yousuff’s personal computer revealed nothing suspicious. “We found nothing that would shed any light on this mystery,” said agent Richard Waud. “Just the usual links to goat porn sites, bomb making instructions, the Koran for Dummies and teachings of Osama Bin Laden like any other kid his age.”
“He did have a note instructing him to ‘kill all the dog-fucker infidel American soldiers’ when he was shot, but since it wasn’t signed by any known terrorists or on ISIS letterhead we had to disregarded it.”
A covert video showing Planned Parenthood Federation of America’s Senior Director of Medical Services, Dr. Deborah Mengele crowing about PP’s illegal baby organ harvesting operation has caused a media uproar.
“It’s not like we’re going head to head with the Chinese prison system for organ transplants,” said Dr. Mengele. “We are strictly in the boutique, tiny-infant parts sector…mostly hearts, lungs, livers and kidneys…you can’t give the rest of that stuff away.”
Mengele offered great detail about the proper method to crush and dismantle an infant so as not to damage the “keeper” organs, as well as the current going rates charged for each part.
“We are starting to encourage a lot of late-term abortions, so the organs are a little easier to pull out,” said Mengele. “You have to fatten them up a little before you start chopping.”
On the video, Dr. Mengele glanced around the room suspiciously, but continued, “I hope the media doesn’t find out about our plan to become the Obamacare designated health clinics inside schools.”
“We will be able to match the students biometrics with clients needs and pretty much target which girls we want to get pregnant…that’s why we want to handle the sex ed [wink, wink] and then direct them to abortion services department. Wham bam, thank you maam…money in the bank.”
CEO of Planned Parenthood, Cecile Richards, called a press conference that actually made the PP PR disaster into PR armageddon.
First she apologized for the “tone” of Dr. Mengele’s disclosure.
“And by that I mean any tones coming from her big mouth, which she should have kept shut,” sniffed Richards.
“Our top priority is the compassionate care that we provide*,” a straight faced Richards added.
Richards defended selling parts of aborted babies for medical research — calling the body parts “tissue” that contributes to “life-saving research.*”
The irony of murdering approximately 300,000 babies a year (overwhelmingly targeting minorities) as the basis for her “life-saving” efforts was apparently completely lost on Ms. Richards.
When asked by this reporter if Planned Parenthood founder, Margaret Sanger, was in fact a looney racist who preached genocide of the black race, Ms Richards stuck her fingers in her ears and began making a loud humming sound.
*Richards actually said this.
Under a special contract from the Georgia State legislature, a Taliban demolition team from Afghanistan began the destruction of racist Confederate war memorial Stone Mountain.
“They asked us to leave the horses,” said Taliban spokesperson M’Ballz Es-Hari.
Georgia had previously looked into having Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis and Stonewall Jackson remodeled into Native Americans, but gave up on the plan as too costly.
Es-Hari’s team travels with their own RPG’s and artillery, and said they had little difficulty with U.S. customs and travel arrangements. “Americans don’t want to appear insensitive to Muslims, so they just waved us through,” noted M’Ballz.
Es-Hari’s team gained International notoriety when they destroyed the priceless Bamiyan Budda’s.
“Yeah, that really put us on the map for mopping up politically incorrect monuments,” added Es-Hari. “Our motto is ‘like it was never there’.”
Due to continued politically correct hysteria the Taliban team may have some additional work while they are in the U.S.
“We’re waiting on authorization to do some work on Mount Rushmore,” said Es-Hari. “If we get the go ahead from Congress we’ll blast off the two ex-slaveowners on the left [Washington and Jefferson].”
According to M’Ballz Es-Hari, “We almost had a contract to blow up Redskin’s Stadium, but couldn’t get the permits in time.”
Rachel: We’ll that’s not completely true, I’m transracial, if my ex-parents choose to continue to perceive me as white, that is their problem. I was only white when I was being suppressed by white people…I was whipped and chained and told to be white.
Atomic Monkey: So, you used to be white, but now you’re black….OK. So how do you feel about people who criticize you for taking actual opportunities from actual black people…like the full scholarship at Howard University…they say it’s either delusional psychosis or out-and-out fraud. Maybe some weird mash-up of both.
Rachel: Fraud, psychosis! This is just one more case of the Transracialphobia that we must endure in our sick society. If Caitlyn Jenner can bravely transform herself into beautiful woman she always was I can become the strong black woman I am.
Atomic Monkey: Uh huh. I’m not sure Jenner succeeded in anything other than a publicity stunt. I’ll believe it when he prunes off his own junk. We heard that Jenner is also now planning to become black because of you stealing his headlines. He’ll be the first transgender-transracial, which will one-up you.
Rachel: You may think this is all some kind of joke, but everyone is entitled to be whatever they think they are, and other people have to accept it. We will continue to fight for not just tolerance, but forced acceptance. You will kiss my big trans-black ass, Honkey, this interview is over.