Portion of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch reaches Waikiki

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Several chunks washed up on the beach in Waikiki, but the bulk of it was towed out to sea.

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The Pacific Gyre continues to grow larger every year.

A large chunk of the Pacific Gyre, or Great Pacific Garbage Patch broke away from the main body of floating debris and threated to wash ashore in Waikiki. The Pacific Gyre is a large, growing patch of floating ocean pollution that swirling currents corral into a large semi-solid island of assorted garbage. Everything from bottles to fishing nets to toothbrushes from sources around the Pacific Rim.

The tightly clumped mass of flotsam that threatened Waikiki seems to have originated from a large gathering of partiers that washed out to sea during Spring Break 2016 in Cabo San Lucas. It apparently drifted into the heart of the Pacific Gyre where they it stuck until a summer storm system broke them off and pushed them in the direction of Hawaii.

This is the first time such a large portion of the Pacific Garbage Patch has come this close to harming Hawaii’s main visitor area, but officials fear it won’t be the last.

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Cabo San Lucas in 2016

Officials from the Coast guard successfully towed the squirming mass, consisting of beer cans, coolers, inflatable animals and intoxicated humans, further out to sea where it disappeared over the horizon in the general direction of Tonga.

Eric Ryan killed the Hawaii Republican Assembly

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HIRA’s toxic new “president” has totally destroyed the organization’s credibility.

The Hawaii Republican Assembly or HIRA has been reduced to a wizened husk of what it once was. No one can yet explain how Eric Ryan became “president” and “treasurer” of the corpse of this once legitimate organization. Was there ever an election or did Ryan simply show up and take over?

All we know for sure is that Eric Ryan wants us to believe he is the voice of “real conservatives,” and the “conscience of the Republican Party.”

The stated mission of HIRA is “take back the Republican Party” and “elect Republicans.” Ironically, Ryan proposes to do this by attacking and slandering every single elected Republican that still remains as well as all the current officers of the Republican Party of Hawaii. Just how this helps build the party is a complete mystery.

Even Patricia Saiki, the grande dame of the Hawaii Republican Party and former U.S. Congresswoman is dismissed by Ryan as a “rino” and “crook.” GOP Chairman Fritz Rohlfing, a prominent Honolulu Attorney, is called by Ryan a “Satanist,” and “complete loser” and “filthy scumbag.” Believe it or not others actually fare worse. Ryan relentlessly attacks “these sleazebags,” who have “zero integrity and complete disregard for the truth.”

He portrays himself as victimized by the “hatred for HIRA and Eric Ryan’s conservative truth-telling.” In reality it’s clear he is the one dishing out the vast majority of the hatred. And, his highly documented history in Hawaii doesn’t speak well for Eric’s ability to tell the truth. He was summarily fired from organizations like Stop Rail Now, John Carroll for Governor, Kym Pine for City Council and Tom Berg’s City Council Office. In each case, missing money, delusional behavior and chronic lying were mentioned as reasons why Ryan was asked to move on. And, in each case, Ryan unleashed vindictive campaigns of online slander and vilification on his previous employers.

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Here’s what some of the people who knew Ryan best and worked with him and fired him have to say.

Councilwoman Kym Pine said, “It’s unfortunate that a single person can so easily attempt to extort money through constant threats, lies and harassment.”

Councilman Tom Berg echoed, “This guy would wake up every morning looking to hurt people.”

2011 Gubernatorial candidate John Carroll was more specific, “He also forged my signature on a contract and tried to use that to extort me for more money, even though it was very clear forgery. In all, he took about $30,000 from me.”

Eric Ryan, the “conscience of the Republican Party,” is now sanctimoniously accusing everyone else of corruption

Now that he has finagled complete control over the messaging being puked out by HIRA, I encourage you to mull over these examples of his actual rhetoric and be the judge of his motivations, integrity and mental health for yourself.

Actual quotes from Eric Ryan from HIRA online posts and newsletters…

EricTVOn Representative Bob McDermott: “It’s as if McDonut took TheBus and then rode TheRail to today’s meeting straight from spending all night in his smelly basement in old Ewa Beach; drunk on stale Doritos and a gallon of Keif “I Luv Mufi” Trollman’s 200 proof fermented urine.”

On Pat Saiki and Oahu League of Republican Women President and National Committeewoman Miriam Helriech: “It’s time for zero-integrity Hellreich and Saiki to join equally corrupt Fritz Rohlfing far away from party headquarters. It’s time for these crooks to go.”

On Party Chairman Fritz Rohlfing: “How can this crooked mental midget live with himself knowing he is such a complete loser and filthy scumbag? Satanic Rohlfing… an unethical, lying sack of horse manure.”

On Jack James, Exec. Director of the State GOP: “useless, corrupt, lord of the idiots named Jack James.”

On State GOP Vice Chairman Boyd Ready: “Rohlfing’s other RINO towelboy and fluffer, Boyd Not-So-Ready. TowelBoyd Ready is a dishonest loser and a con man…just ask his angry and vindictive RINO wife, Antya.”

In addition, Rep. Gene Ward, the other National Committeeman, and ALL other elected Republicans are rino’s (Republicans in name only) and according to Ryan they all must be removed from office and replaced with “real Republicans,” whatever the hell that means.

If you’ve had enough of this idiot…join the club.

Hawaii Republican’s New Oahu Chairman is in for a rough ride…

Just image what if will be like for poor old Brett Kulbis the day Eric Ryan and HIRA turn on him.  If Brett decides to become a REAL Republican Leader instead of the suicide puppet he was created to be…he will have hell to pay; and it will look something like this:

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Kulbis will learn that you do not disappoint your creator.

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Hawaii Republican Assembly taken over by Eric Cartman

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Eric Cartman in the HIRA headquarters

In a startling turn of events the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA) has been taken over by a cartoon character from Comedy Central’s South Park.

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Cartman memes are flooding Facebook…usually soliciting money.

According to Wikipedia, Eric Cartman’s profile bodes ill for Hawaii’s Republicans:Cartman has been portrayed as aggressive, prejudiced, arrogant, and narcissistic since his character’s inception; Stone and Parker describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker“. These traits are significantly augmented in later seasons as his character evolves, and he begins to exhibit extremely psychopathic, sociopathic and manipulative behavior, and also be depicted as highly intelligent, able to execute morally appalling plans and business ideas with success.”

Stone and Parker apologized for their cartoon creation escaping to Hawaii and causing so much damage.

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Eric Cartman demanded a large bag of Cheesey Poofs before he consented to an interview.

The once effective voice of conservative ideas in Hawaii, HIRA has deteriorated into a squalid mess of vicious online trolling and relentless jackassery under Cartman. We were able to find only three former HIRA members who were willing to admit they are still associated with the organization.

We contacted Eric and asked him directly how he became “president” of HIRA in spite of the lack of any meeting or election.

Cartman responded, “Your breaking my balls man, your breaking my balls!”

When asked if he was actually ever elected to be the leader of HIRA, Eric stated, “I’m not just sure, I’m HIV positive.”

In addition to attacking all elected Republicans, HIRA, under Cartman, will focus on killing hippies and acquiring Jew gold.

We explained that many see his constant trolling and pointless Internet attacks as destructive to the Republican and conservative cause in Hawaii, he shrugged and said, “”Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohhh, the tears of immeasurable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”

When it was suggested that the best thing he could do to help conservatives and Hawaii’s GOP is to quit HIRA, leave Hawaii and focus on being a cartoon buffoon on South Park he became angry.

He shouted, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and ended the interview.

Internet Trolls are United

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When you do something really stupid, the Internet is there to remind you.

Today’s best trolls on United Airlines

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Trolls are also writers…

 

“Your seat cushion can also be used as a defensive device.”

 

“United Airlines. Putting the hospital in hospitality.”

 

“First beating is free, $25 for each additional.”

 

“Board as a doctor, Leave as a patient.”

 

“Now offering one free carry-off.”

 

“United. where our employees come first.”

 

“Plenty of empty seats on United now.”

Missile diplomacy riles Ruskies

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Vladimir Putin issued a tersely worded press statement today

Today the Russians responded to the U.S. attack on a Syrian airfield by 59 Tomahawk Missiles fired from two destroyers in the Mediterranean.  The Russians were not pleased by the attack on their ally Bashar al-Assad’s forces and embarrassed by having several dozen missiles buzzing unmolested past their front-line missile defense system.  The level of agitation is reflected in yesterday’s early morning exchange of tweets between Putin and Trump:

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Hawaii Internet satire website, Atomic Monkey, finalist for Pulitzer

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Hawaii’s first serious contender for a Pulitzer.                           Photo courtesy of Pulitzer.org

April 1, 2017, New York – Today, officials at Colombia University announced finalists for the 2017 Pulitzer Prize for online journalism.

“We are happy to announce the three finalists for the new category of online journalism including the HuffingtonPost.com, Breitbart.com and AtomicMonkey.biz,” said Dr. Oswald Mankowitz. “All three represent the very best in contemporary online disparagement, mockery, obfuscation and faux news.”

Dr. Mankowitz added, “I think it’s fitting that our finalists cover the full spectrum of political thought from ultra-liberal to extreme conservatism, to…well, we really don’t know what the hell it is.”

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Keith Rollman, who may or may not be involved with Atomic Monkey.

AtomicMonkey.com has been publishing online since 2010, and once earned a coveted “Pants on Fire” rating from PolitiFact for its coverage of the mysterious origins of President Obama’s long-form birth certificate. Widely rumored to be working for the Russians during last year’s presidential election, Atomic Monkey has remained the preeminent dumpster fire of political commentary in Hawaii .

Congratulatory emails have poured in to Honolulu’s Atomic Monkey following this unprecedented honor.

“You could have knocked me over with a damn feather.” Dave Shapiro, Honolulu StarAdvertiser

“Well done! A huge honor for Hawaii and for online satire, I guess.” Neil Abercrombie, former Governor

“Great news, well earned! We sure didn’t make it easy for you!” Richard Borreca, Honolulu StarAdvertiser

“I could always count on Atomic Monkey for the inside story and details lacking from our daily paper and TV news!” David Ige, Governor

“Atomic Monkey has the courage to say the things that should never be said. Ever.” Joe Moore, KHON2

“I mean you have to be F-ing kidding me…WTF?” Chad Blair, CivilBeat

A press release from Atomic Monkey was issued immediately following today’s announcement:

“We are thrilled to be included as a finalist for this year’s Pulitzers…and win or lose, we are encouraged that our brand of sloppy, off-the-cuff satire and shameless trolling have finally been recognized as on a par with the elite of mainstream journalism.”

Hawaii judge rules Trump Muslim travel ban would kill Hawaii Visitor Industry

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Federal Judge, and former Choom Gang member Derrick Watson

Today, Federal Judge Derrick Watson extended his block on Trump’s immigration policy citing Hawaii’s dependence on Muslim visitors.

“Hawaii has become completely dependent on the flow of Muslim visitors from Syria, Sudan, Iran, Libya and other Middle Eastern Countries,” said Watson. “They now make up over 80% of our visitor population, and Trump’s reckless immigration policy could completely destroy our tourism industry.”

“If you lived in our county you’d want a nice vacation in Hawaii too.” added vacationing ISIL commander Sayed Omar. “I mean, really, Syria is a giant exploding shit hole.”

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Most people don’t realize that Hawaii is now totally dependent on Muslim tourism

Catering to the new Muslim majority was confirmed by Hawaii Tourism Authority head George Cigaretti. “We’ve seen a steady rise in Muslim visitors over the last five years, and they are now pretty much the whole ball game,” said Cigaretti. “We hardly ever see any Japanese or Canadians any more.”

Cigaretti also confirmed that 90% of the visitor industry advertising budget is now being spent in the Middle East and North Africa.  The “Jihad in Paradise Fly-Away” campaign will start airing in targeted Muslim no-go zones throughout Europe in early April.

Among the changes made in the visitor industry to accommodate the newly dominant visitor demographic HTA cited:

  1. Signs and publications featuring Arabic and Farsi translations.
  2. No more TSA or other pesky airline security screening
  3. Goat luaus instead of pigs
  4. All Jews were relocated to Molokai
  5. All tropical drinks banned
  6. Prayer towers in Waikiki with calls to prayer every two hours
  7. Free Al Jazeera channel in all rooms

City lifeguards have had to adapt to some new issues as well.

“When their burkas get waterlogged, they go down like a sack of rocks,” said head lifeguard Kimo Schwartz. “We get a lot more heat strokes too.”

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A DAESH spokesman said their recent propaganda videos, shot on Oahu’s North Shore, would not have been possible without the State’s generous film production tax credits.

The re-packaging of Beth Fukumoto

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Beth Fukumoto, erstwhile leader of the tiny Republican Minority in Hawaii’s House of Representatives is the latest example of the re-launching of a completely manufactured political “star.” Her recent jump to the Democratic Party was a tour de force of carefully rehearsed speeches and other professionally orchestrated media whoring, but it wasn’t news. Everyone at the Capitol knew she’d been planning to do this for the last two years.

When every other word out of your mouth is inflammatory Democrat authored epithets: “racist, bigot, misogynist, hater, homophobe, etc.,” hurled at the political party you are supposed to be “leading,” you might meet with some suspicion from your fellow Republicans.

At the recent state Republican convention she gave a speech that she probably had focus-grouped to guarantee it would be booed. She wanted to punch her “victim” ticket.

Many think Ms Fukumoto was told to hang back when her comrade Aaron Johanson (ironically, also a former Republican Minority Leader) jumped parties, so as to cause as much chaos and sabotage as possible before finally getting kicked out.

The R’s finally voted Beth out as their Minority Leader after growing weary of her constantly spouting off like an Occupy Democrats meme every day. This besmirching of her resume was the final trigger; the time was ripe for dramatically sticking it to the Grand Old Party.

Following Ms Fukumoto’s moderately convincing Kabuki theater performance she was hailed as a heroine of feminism, diversity and other mythical liberal values. The story went national to a hungry liberal audience that was starving for good news. An attractive minority “Republican” who has seen the light and renounced her misguided past, repulsed by the evil, villainous Trump. She will undoubtedly be granted the fast track for political rehabilitation.

Fukumoto couldn’t explain away her previously conservative “values” fast enough. That vote against same-sex marriage…it was a simply lapse of judgment where she erroneously thought her job was to represent what her constituents wanted. In a recent video Fukumoto appears deep in though before she resumes reading her script, “we have to be very careful that we don’t succumb to this…(pretends to be thinking)…POPULISM.” It should be noted that the video cut away to Hawaii citizens holding signs that read, “let the people decide.” To Fukumoto, representing the will of the people is now a sign of weakness. She will make a good Democrat.

National film crews swooned, Elle, Cosmo and Huffington Post fawned and gushed, and predictable old political toady columnists croaked her praises. Beth was finally basking in the much sought-after lefty adulation.

The reality, however,  is that we are not witnessing the second coming of John F. Kennedy or even Tulsi Gabbard. Her 15 minutes of fame are almost over and she will soon disappear into the belly of beast… absorbed as just another minion of the Democrat Machine carrying water for her elders…yet quietly plotting her next lunge for the gold ring.
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