Hawaii Republican Assembly taken over by Eric Cartman

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Eric Cartman in the HIRA headquarters

In a startling turn of events the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA) has been taken over by a cartoon character from Comedy Central’s South Park.

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Cartman memes are flooding Facebook…usually soliciting money.

According to Wikipedia, Eric Cartman’s profile bodes ill for Hawaii’s Republicans:Cartman has been portrayed as aggressive, prejudiced, arrogant, and narcissistic since his character’s inception; Stone and Parker describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker“. These traits are significantly augmented in later seasons as his character evolves, and he begins to exhibit extremely psychopathic, sociopathic and manipulative behavior, and also be depicted as highly intelligent, able to execute morally appalling plans and business ideas with success.”

Stone and Parker apologized for their cartoon creation escaping to Hawaii and causing so much damage.

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Eric Cartman demanded a large bag of Cheesey Poofs before he consented to an interview.

The once effective voice of conservative ideas in Hawaii, HIRA has deteriorated into a squalid mess of vicious online trolling and relentless jackassery under Cartman. We were able to find only three former HIRA members who were willing to admit they are still associated with the organization.

We contacted Eric and asked him directly how he became “president” of HIRA in spite of the lack of any meeting or election.

Cartman responded, “Your breaking my balls man, your breaking my balls!”

When asked if he was actually ever elected to be the leader of HIRA, Eric stated, “I’m not just sure, I’m HIV positive.”

In addition to attacking all elected Republicans, HIRA, under Cartman, will focus on killing hippies and acquiring Jew gold.

We explained that many see his constant trolling and pointless Internet attacks as destructive to the Republican and conservative cause in Hawaii, he shrugged and said, “”Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohhh, the tears of immeasurable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”

When it was suggested that the best thing he could do to help conservatives and Hawaii’s GOP is to quit HIRA, leave Hawaii and focus on being a cartoon buffoon on South Park he became angry.

He shouted, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and ended the interview.

Internet Trolls are United

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When you do something really stupid, the Internet is there to remind you.

Today’s best trolls on United Airlines

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Trolls are also writers…

 

“Your seat cushion can also be used as a defensive device.”

 

“United Airlines. Putting the hospital in hospitality.”

 

“First beating is free, $25 for each additional.”

 

“Board as a doctor, Leave as a patient.”

 

“Now offering one free carry-off.”

 

“United. where our employees come first.”

 

“Plenty of empty seats on United now.”

Missile diplomacy riles Ruskies

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Vladimir Putin issued a tersely worded press statement today

Today the Russians responded to the U.S. attack on a Syrian airfield by 59 Tomahawk Missiles fired from two destroyers in the Mediterranean.  The Russians were not pleased by the attack on their ally Bashar al-Assad’s forces and embarrassed by having several dozen missiles buzzing unmolested past their front-line missile defense system.  The level of agitation is reflected in yesterday’s early morning exchange of tweets between Putin and Trump:

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Hawaii Internet satire website, Atomic Monkey, finalist for Pulitzer

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Hawaii’s first serious contender for a Pulitzer.                           Photo courtesy of Pulitzer.org

April 1, 2017, New York – Today, officials at Colombia University announced finalists for the 2017 Pulitzer Prize for online journalism.

“We are happy to announce the three finalists for the new category of online journalism including the HuffingtonPost.com, Breitbart.com and AtomicMonkey.biz,” said Dr. Oswald Mankowitz. “All three represent the very best in contemporary online disparagement, mockery, obfuscation and faux news.”

Dr. Mankowitz added, “I think it’s fitting that our finalists cover the full spectrum of political thought from ultra-liberal to extreme conservatism, to…well, we really don’t know what the hell it is.”

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Keith Rollman, who may or may not be involved with Atomic Monkey.

AtomicMonkey.com has been publishing online since 2010, and once earned a coveted “Pants on Fire” rating from PolitiFact for its coverage of the mysterious origins of President Obama’s long-form birth certificate. Widely rumored to be working for the Russians during last year’s presidential election, Atomic Monkey has remained the preeminent dumpster fire of political commentary in Hawaii .

Congratulatory emails have poured in to Honolulu’s Atomic Monkey following this unprecedented honor.

“You could have knocked me over with a damn feather.” Dave Shapiro, Honolulu StarAdvertiser

“Well done! A huge honor for Hawaii and for online satire, I guess.” Neil Abercrombie, former Governor

“Great news, well earned! We sure didn’t make it easy for you!” Richard Borreca, Honolulu StarAdvertiser

“I could always count on Atomic Monkey for the inside story and details lacking from our daily paper and TV news!” David Ige, Governor

“Atomic Monkey has the courage to say the things that should never be said. Ever.” Joe Moore, KHON2

“I mean you have to be F-ing kidding me…WTF?” Chad Blair, CivilBeat

A press release from Atomic Monkey was issued immediately following today’s announcement:

“We are thrilled to be included as a finalist for this year’s Pulitzers…and win or lose, we are encouraged that our brand of sloppy, off-the-cuff satire and shameless trolling have finally been recognized as on a par with the elite of mainstream journalism.”

Hawaii judge rules Trump Muslim travel ban would kill Hawaii Visitor Industry

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Federal Judge, and former Choom Gang member Derrick Watson

Today, Federal Judge Derrick Watson extended his block on Trump’s immigration policy citing Hawaii’s dependence on Muslim visitors.

“Hawaii has become completely dependent on the flow of Muslim visitors from Syria, Sudan, Iran, Libya and other Middle Eastern Countries,” said Watson. “They now make up over 80% of our visitor population, and Trump’s reckless immigration policy could completely destroy our tourism industry.”

“If you lived in our county you’d want a nice vacation in Hawaii too.” added vacationing ISIL commander Sayed Omar. “I mean, really, Syria is a giant exploding shit hole.”

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Most people don’t realize that Hawaii is now totally dependent on Muslim tourism

Catering to the new Muslim majority was confirmed by Hawaii Tourism Authority head George Cigaretti. “We’ve seen a steady rise in Muslim visitors over the last five years, and they are now pretty much the whole ball game,” said Cigaretti. “We hardly ever see any Japanese or Canadians any more.”

Cigaretti also confirmed that 90% of the visitor industry advertising budget is now being spent in the Middle East and North Africa.  The “Jihad in Paradise Fly-Away” campaign will start airing in targeted Muslim no-go zones throughout Europe in early April.

Among the changes made in the visitor industry to accommodate the newly dominant visitor demographic HTA cited:

  1. Signs and publications featuring Arabic and Farsi translations.
  2. No more TSA or other pesky airline security screening
  3. Goat luaus instead of pigs
  4. All Jews were relocated to Molokai
  5. All tropical drinks banned
  6. Prayer towers in Waikiki with calls to prayer every two hours
  7. Free Al Jazeera channel in all rooms

City lifeguards have had to adapt to some new issues as well.

“When their burkas get waterlogged, they go down like a sack of rocks,” said head lifeguard Kimo Schwartz. “We get a lot more heat strokes too.”

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A DAESH spokesman said their recent propaganda videos, shot on Oahu’s North Shore, would not have been possible without the State’s generous film production tax credits.

The re-packaging of Beth Fukumoto

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Beth Fukumoto, erstwhile leader of the tiny Republican Minority in Hawaii’s House of Representatives is the latest example of the re-launching of a completely manufactured political “star.” Her recent jump to the Democratic Party was a tour de force of carefully rehearsed speeches and other professionally orchestrated media whoring, but it wasn’t news. Everyone at the Capitol knew she’d been planning to do this for the last two years.

When every other word out of your mouth is inflammatory Democrat authored epithets: “racist, bigot, misogynist, hater, homophobe, etc.,” hurled at the political party you are supposed to be “leading,” you might meet with some suspicion from your fellow Republicans.

At the recent state Republican convention she gave a speech that she probably had focus-grouped to guarantee it would be booed. She wanted to punch her “victim” ticket.

Many think Ms Fukumoto was told to hang back when her comrade Aaron Johanson (ironically, also a former Republican Minority Leader) jumped parties, so as to cause as much chaos and sabotage as possible before finally getting kicked out.

The R’s finally voted Beth out as their Minority Leader after growing weary of her constantly spouting off like an Occupy Democrats meme every day. This besmirching of her resume was the final trigger; the time was ripe for dramatically sticking it to the Grand Old Party.

Following Ms Fukumoto’s moderately convincing Kabuki theater performance she was hailed as a heroine of feminism, diversity and other mythical liberal values. The story went national to a hungry liberal audience that was starving for good news. An attractive minority “Republican” who has seen the light and renounced her misguided past, repulsed by the evil, villainous Trump. She will undoubtedly be granted the fast track for political rehabilitation.

Fukumoto couldn’t explain away her previously conservative “values” fast enough. That vote against same-sex marriage…it was a simply lapse of judgment where she erroneously thought her job was to represent what her constituents wanted. In a recent video Fukumoto appears deep in though before she resumes reading her script, “we have to be very careful that we don’t succumb to this…(pretends to be thinking)…POPULISM.” It should be noted that the video cut away to Hawaii citizens holding signs that read, “let the people decide.” To Fukumoto, representing the will of the people is now a sign of weakness. She will make a good Democrat.

National film crews swooned, Elle, Cosmo and Huffington Post fawned and gushed, and predictable old political toady columnists croaked her praises. Beth was finally basking in the much sought-after lefty adulation.

The reality, however,  is that we are not witnessing the second coming of John F. Kennedy or even Tulsi Gabbard. Her 15 minutes of fame are almost over and she will soon disappear into the belly of beast… absorbed as just another minion of the Democrat Machine carrying water for her elders…yet quietly plotting her next lunge for the gold ring.
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Hawaii’s conservative organization, HIRA, slings itself against the brick wall.

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New President of HIRA doomed to explode on impact

The new, and apparently unelected, “President” of the Hawaii Republican Assembly (HIRA), Eric Ryan, has now also claimed the title of “Chairman” of their new “Super PAC;” entitled The Phoenix Project., this fledgling insurrection of Hawaii’s “true Republicans” will presumably rise from the ashes of the Republican Party – assuming Eric succeeds in burning it to the ground.

Some of Hawaii’s Republicans are revolting.

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Snakes don’t usually advocate for draining swamps.

Many view this whole “Phoenix” thing as a deeply personal, symbolic effort for Eric because his career and finances appear to be a heap of charred, smoking debris. Some are deeply suspicious of the fate of any check mailed to, or pledged on any of the numerous “donation” buttons that now abound on HIRA websites.

Ryan has sustained a string of humiliating failures in his attempts to become a political “player” in Hawaii having been fired from every single rung of the career ladder which he had fleetingly clung to. He has emerged, yet again, as the newly minted President of HIRA. No one knows exactly how this happened as HIRA’s previous President, Tito Montes, had vehemently denied Ryan’s involvement with the organization up until he inexplicably disappeared himself.

Those in the know could see Eric’s trademark trolling in HIRA’s communications and Internet presence way before Tito ran for the hills. Eric was perhaps at his most effective in his old Tea Party days when he pranced around at anti-tax rallies in an overstuffed pink pig suit. Since then, his ability to communicate has deteriorated into an incessant droning about the need to purge RINOS (Republicans In Name Only)…which now includes damn near everyone but himself. He would like nothing better than to take over the Hawaii GOP and make them all pay (both literally and figuratively).

His goal has become painfully transparent. He is seeking revenge upon the Republican establishment which has failed to recognize and reward his immense talent and political brilliance…but soon, as the new Chairman of the Hawaii GOP, he will rise from the ashes to vanquish his detractors, they will laugh at him no more, as he flaps his mighty wings and flies above them in his tattered pink pig suit. [Eric’s fantasy sequence shown in italic]

Or, as it will be known to Hawaii’s future political historians…the day pigs flew.

City uses federal anti-immigrant funds for major wall projects

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Caldwell: If Trump wants walls, we’ll give him walls.

You may have noticed the city’s first major wall project sprout up at Thomas Square.

Major Caldwell announced today that Honolulu has accepted millions of dollars in federal funding earmarked for erecting immigrant barrier walls.

Trump administration officials praised Mayor Caldwell and Honolulu for being among the first major municipalities to sign the “We Ain’t No Stinkin Sanctuary” pledge and receive the federal funds.

According to Mayor Caldwell, the Trump administration made the funding available based on the city’s report that many of the homeless currently invading Honolulu’s city parks appear to be Mexicans or Muslims.

The Mayor conceded, “We fudged the ‘Mexican’ thing a little bit in order to get the feds to bite, but there’s a heck of a lot of money up for grabs.”

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Honolulu will continue to construct walls, like this one at Thomas Square, as long as federal funds hold out.

“We needed the money to help combat homelessness,” said Caldwell. “Since the bums head straight for the parks, we thought building a wall would slow them down and get them to move elsewhere.”

After numerous failed attempts to curb the homeless in urban Honolulu, the Mayor’s team though the walls might finally provide the answer. Since the Thomas Square wall went up reports of homeless (or anyone else) in the park have dropped dramatically.

The city said walls around Ala Moana Beach Park should completed by the end of March.

The Berenstein Bears and other Alternative Facts

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-9-14-34-pmI’m convinced that the term Alternative Facts, that slipped out during a recent Trump press conference, is a real thing. A memory implantation strategy that strives to create a collective false memory or what has become known as the Mandela Effect.

The term “Mandela Effect” was coined by self-described “paranormal consultant” Fiona Broome, who has written on her web site that she first became aware of the phenomenon after discovering that she shared a particular false memory — that South African human rights activist and president Nelson Mandela died in prison during the 1980s (he actually died in 2013) — with many other people. Then she began noticing other examples.

Screen Shot 2017-01-23 at 7.45.45 PM.pngOne well known example of the Mandela Effect is the Berenstain Bears. Many people (currently 77% according to one survey) insist that it is and has always been the Berenstein Bears. The creators, Stan and Jan Berenstain should know. This collective misconception is not unique.

False memory experts explain the Mandela Effect as confabulation, where different memories get mixed together to create something that a person comes to believe is true. With the advent of mass media, this phenomenon can be quite contagious and actually implanted by mass media; where it is quite possible for a majority of our population to believe something to be true when it is not.

We aren’t talking about old fashioned propaganda or Winston rewriting old news clippings in Orwell’s 1984. That’s the antiquated and tedious way to control people.

The Internet has made the proliferation of messaging and implanting of facts and/or “alternate facts,” constant and pervasive. We’ve never been exposed to this level of constant competition for our minds. Every modern political faction and every ally they have in the mass media business wants you to subscribe to their version of reality.

The current polarization we are experiencing in our political dialog is the deliberate and inevitable result of this contrived tug of war. Both sides lie and manipulate equally, there is no good or bad forces in play; just different power structures competing for your loyalty.

Just think about the lack of genuine dialog on subjects like climate change, immigration policy or Republicans vs Democrats. We are trained to see black and white, good guys and bad guys…and we are all deceived.

Advances in communication technologies have now made us sitting ducks for manipulation. Internet memes, for example, are overt symbols of this conflict of ideas; with their constant exposure, and viral replication they can implant false information that can easily become an accepted truth by a majority of people in a very short period of time. A Mandela effect of consensus bullshit. Alternate facts, if you will. The proliferation of “fake news” may provide the most extreme method of implanting these false realities, especially when they are in turn converted to bite-sized memes and flooded into brains perpetually tuned into the Internet.

So, with the lines between what’s real and what’s an “alternative fact” becoming so blurred, it is very possible that a majority of our population firmly believes “alternate facts” that have been implanted. Maybe we are simply pawns goaded into promoting one of two competing false realities.

Wake up your latent intellectual curiosity.

You should re-examine every single belief that you hold dear and determine just how it got into your head in the first place; and then get off your ass and research whether it was ever true at all. Because…everything you know may be wrong.