The Governor also announced that Discover’s Day would be changed to Indigenous Persons Retribution Day. In addition, Hawaii’s beloved Lei Day on May 1st would also be changed to International Labors Day and feature a huge parade showcasing fake nuclear missiles, goose-stepping local 5 members and gay floats.
Today, Governor Neil Abercrombie announced the appointment of Georgette “Bitch Boar” Devereaux to be Hawaii’s first State Director of Diversity. The Governor said the role of the new department will be to oversee Pono Choices and other LGBTQ promotional programs.
“Neil wants our Gay Revolution to move a little faster.” said Devereaux. “We have a long way to go transforming our school kids; and, the Governor is worried he might not be around too much longer.”
“The ‘Q’ in LGBTQ stands for questioning youth. And, if they aren’t now they sure as hell will be when we get done with them,” gushed Devereaux.
The new Director said that Pono Choices will now be featured in all grades from K-12, and greatly expanded. Devereaux unveiled a roster of new curriculum that will cover the full spectrum of sexual diversity.
“It is a matter of civil rights and acceptance of people who are different.” continued Director Devereaux. “If you’re gay, like to diddle children, poo on your friends or dress up in a furry suit with your dick hanging out, it’s all just the way you were born.”
Devereaux herself has a story that’s a picture of diversity itself. Born as a male he was mercilessly teased and bullied for torturing small animals during recess. A 23 year old George Devereux underwent sex-change hormone treatment and then surgery. Several years later, the now Georgette Devereaux, discover she was gay and attracted to women. “That was a frustrating few years,” confessed Devereaux “especially when the penile re-attachment surgery failed.
“Now I’m past that and pretty much moved on to corprophilia. You know…doo doo.”
“I myself have suffered oppression from hateful, bigoted homophobes.” said Devereaux. “The lack of acceptance on people’s faces when I was exercising my constitutional right to play with my own poop at the Word of Life service cut like a knife.”
Devereaux cited Representative Bob McDermott as a example of what’s wrong with Hawaii. “The fact that that bully can actually stand up and say that a shoe is not a genital is just plain ignorant,” said the Director. “It’s discrimination!”
“We simply can no longer tolerate intolerance.” added the Governor.
Representative Rida Cabanilla has proposed a bill to allow the growing and export of marijuana products as the solution for the state’s growing unfunded liabilities.
“This is something we already know how to do,” said Cabanilla. “And the market is getting bigger every day.”
Ironically, the bill does not legalize the use of the marijuana products in Hawaii that our local workers would be exposed to during the growing, product manufacture, packaging and distribution. The operations would employ thousands of people who would never legally be able to possess their own products.
Cabanilla admitted she did expect a little “cock-a-roaching.”
“We already have established brands that are known worldwide…like Kona Gold, Puna Buds, Maui Wowie!” continued Cabanilla. “We just need to get the state behind large scale agricultural operations and promotions.”
Cabanilla has been consulting with marketing whiz Habin Aghoudtime, who is in charge of Afghanistan’s burgeoning opium poppy exporting business, and is considered to be an expert in international drug distribution.
Wolf and Sheep is a new feature for 2014 and will showcase the rhetorical double talk used to keep the citizenry in line, and the insipid compliance encouraged by the mainstream media. The next time someone starts whining about polar bears or marriage equity take the time to learn what the facts are before you … Continue reading
“It’s no big deal,” said a bemused Hillary Clinton. “I’m just a little puffy from my Botox injections…it’ll all be gone in a couple of days.”
The image of “Planet Hillary” on the New York Times Magazine has caused an Internet sensation and spawned dozens of parodies in just a few hours. Clinton explained that she had posed for the illustration immediately after receiving a Botox treatment and the artist simply drew what they saw.
“It’s not the artists fault,” said Clinton. “I’m still a little puffed up.”
Asked by the media if this recent round of cosmetic treatments was an attempt to appear younger for voters in the upcoming presidential race, Clinton would only repeat that she’s just trying to look nice for Bill, and it had no connection to any future political plans.
Here’s a brief sampling of some of the proposed legislation in the works this year competing to waste your tax dollars:
HB 823 – Tom Brower introduced a bill permitting the open carry of sledgehammers, fire axes and cricket bats; also the right to carry concealed claw hammers, for self-defense against rogue shopping carts. Brower has reported being attacked by abandoned carts in his Waikiki district and wants citizens to be able to defend themselves.
HB 378 – Kaniela Ing has submitted a bill that redefines the “anus” as a “mangina.” This is in response to Rep. Bob McDermott questioning the redefinition of “anus” as genitalia in the Pono Choices sex ed program. “That should fix everything,” said Rep. Ing. “Mostly it will keep McDermott from saying anus again.”
HB 443 – Rep. Jessica Wooley, Chair of the Ag Committee, is advancing a bill to make the cultivation of any genetically modified food punishable by life in prison. Any existing products still available with any GMO content must be labeled with 48 pt. type: “THIS PRODUCT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.” Governor Abercrombie has asked that an exemption for GMO Marijuana be attached to the bill.
SB 112 – A related bill submitted on behalf of the Governor was for additional funding for his rooftop garden being installed on the 5th floor of the Capitol Building.
SB 342 – Senator Sam Slom, whose perennial bill to make the Hoary Bat Hawaii’s official mammal has failed repeatedly, will not put out another “bat bill.” Instead he appointing an actual Hoary Bat to be the Minority Whip for the Senate Republicans. “I’m the only Republican left, so I can do whatever I want over here,” said Slom.
SB 953 – Sen. Hee announced a bill to restructure state elections. Under the Hee proposal the State will save millions by conducting all future elections in a closed Democrat primary by voice vote. “We won’t have to bear the cost of printing ballots, counting them or enduring silly campaigns,” said Hee. “Since there are only Democrats left, we can move things along a lot faster and more efficiently now.”
SB 119 – Representative Scott Saiki, in a related election bill, is seeking to eliminate terms limits for the office of Governor. When an existing governor passes away a new governor will be chosen from among the Democrat leadership. The media will be allowed to watch the exhaust fan from the majority caucus room. When the cigar smoke changes from black to grey a new governor will have been selected.