The Growing Owl Menace

The last thing Hawaii expected was a Jihadi Owl on Thanksgiving,

Hawaii’s close call with a full scale terrorist attack came at the end of last year.  A Snowy Owl tried to penetrate secure air space over the Honolulu International Airport, but was blasted from the skies by the alert actions of the Hawaii Department of Defense. The Governor had been advised previously of the suspicious movements of Snowy Owls, and had been tipped off by Federal authorities about the growing connections between the owls and known terrorist organizations.

There are now over 300 Snowy Owls held at GITMO.  Several have been interrogated  by anti-terrorist agencies and have given up other owl cells as far south as Seattle.

Some Homeland Security experts theorize that the owls have been training for suicide missions around some of America’s busiest airports.  The fairly large owl could fly directly into a jet’s intake during take off possibly causing a deadly crash.

“We knew these owls were showing up where they shouldn’t and had been seen hanging around with known Al Qaeda operatives,” said the Governor. “We had information that they were on international “no fly” lists, so didn’t really think it was likely they’d ever reach Hawaii.”

But, little known to the Governor, owls don’t need to board jet planes to travel.  According to the Governor, “It’s pretty obvious to me that when one of these birds flys 3,000 miles to get to Hawaii it isn’t planning a vacation.”

The owl proved no match for Hawaii's crack troops.

The Gov activated his State Department of Defense that immediately deployed around the Airport.  After a brief fire fight the owl was killed.  According to one military officer on the scene, who asked not to be identified, the owl refused all instructions to land and surrender itself, though the orders were broadcast in English, Arabic and Canadian. This gave them little choice but to open fire and bring the confrontation to an immediate and decisive end. Some speculated that the Governor had given “kill on sight” instructions and there had been no real attempt to capture the bird alive.

“The President has Seal Team Six, and I have my DOD,” said a beaming Governor, “and we kicked some white, feathery butt out there.”

SPECIAL TROLL-A-RAMA BONUS: COUNCILMAN BERG ON OWL DEBACLE

Star-Advertiser Stages Pro SOPA/PIPA “Ad Out”

While many Internet sites went dark, the Star-Advertiser goes all ads (actual unaltered screen shot show above).

Several major Internet players like Wikipedia, Google and WordPress recently blacked out or self-censored their sites to protest ill-conceived proposed laws known as SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act). Viewed as granting irrevocable censorship powers to government bureaucrats, critics fear the laws could lead well beyond their purported anti-copyright infringement powers and lead to catastrophic politically motivated censorship.

Locally, however, the online Website of the Star-Advertiser, demonstrated its support for the concept of a government controlled news monopoly by staging an “Ad Out.” While critics of the proposed laws “blacked out” their sites, the Star Advertiser completely covered their news content with obnoxious advertising banners.

Wikipedia is defending the idea of free content whose objectivity is not distorted by the highest bidder. The Star-Advertiser is pretty much on the other end of the spectrum and underscored their position by charging their online customers for premium content that they can no longer access because of an impenetrable crust of solid advertising.

“You might say we’re becoming less “Star,” more “Advertiser,” said newly appointed Online Political Editor, Benny Klumpus,. “We support the idea of advertising and news content merging.”

Now that the Star Bulletin and Honolulu Advertiser have consolidated, and half of the journalists have been let go, the newspaper’s management claims it’s a simple matter of economics… they can only cover half of the story now.

“So, why not the half that represents the interests of major advertisers?” asked Klumpus. “it’s Darwinian Capitalism at it’s best. I think it will help free people up from floundering around on subjects and issues they will never understand and really don’t need to get involved with.”

“People want simplification,” added Klumpus. “We help them by providing what they need to know instead of overwhelming them with too many messy options…and they’re willing to pay good money for our professional “filtering.”

When it was pointed out that average people can still get unfiltered news and content from the Internet for free, Klumpus smiled, “for now…for now.”

New Book Helps Troops Remain Lethal Without Being Impolite.

Recently released photos of U.S. Marines urinating on dead Taliban fighters caused a tsunami of recriminations from around the world and our own indignant mainstream media.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, expressed her shock and apologized on behalf of the Obama administration to terrorists everywhere.

Peeing on a live Islamic fundamentalist is considered universally embraced slapstick humor, but is totally frowned upon AFTER you shoot him.

“These R Kelly wannabes could set back our planned surrender to the Taliban by months,” lamented Clinton. “We simply have to be more respectful of Islamic culture while we are visitors in that part of the world.”

To that end, Clinton has collaborated with pop star turned Ayatollah and cross cultural mutant, Cat Stevens, to pen a new best seller on Islamic cultural sensitivity. The book’s now mandatory reading for troops being shipped out to the middle east.

Cat & Hillary’s Big Book of Muslim Etiquette, focuses on proper conduct while interacting with, bombing, blasting with drones or otherwise dismantling, Islamic societies.

“Our cultures are very different and often clash,” said Secretary Clinton. “This can lead to unforgivable atrocities by our troops like naked pyramid construction with detainees and Koran toilet paper stunts.”

Conversely, Islamic terrorists are surprised and confused by what offends Americans.

“For example when we gang rape your journalists in the streets of Cairo it’s no big deal to us” offered Stevens. “Women are pretty much like goats so who cares…why the big fuss?”

“Yes,” agreed Clinton “when your people stone a runaway child bride, or saw off a defenseless hostage’s head on YouTube, or even just blow yourself up in a crowd, it would be considered a no no in the U.S.”

“Exactly! In Afghanistan or Iran it’s just everyday life! Like barbecuing an American contractor and hanging his smoking carcass from a bridge…just our way of expressing ourselves,” added Stevens.

Secretary Clinton briefly challenged Mullah Cat. “Well, you have to admit crashing planes into New York’s World Trade Center and killing thousands of innocent people was downright rude.”

“But, Hillary,” responded Stevens, “We are not a rich country like the United States, so we must ad lib a little on our weapons of mass destruction.”

“But when we get our nukes we promise to be more conventional, Allah willing.” added Stevens, politely. “But, thanks to the Israelis blowing up our scientists, it’s going to take a little longer.”

At least, they had the decency to not pee on them and cause a real problem.

Crappy In-House Cartoon

Over The Transom

Crappy In-House Cartoon

A Pathetic Flea On American Society

An explosive new film blows the lid off the Federal conspiracy to suppress opposition to the Honolulu rail project. The movie dramatizes the confrontation between Federal agents and Honolulu’s plucky City Councilman, Tom Berg. Drugged by no one less than the President of the United States himself, Berg has his cell phone, containing vital anti-rail strategic plans, stolen by the Feds.  Hell bent on discovering the secret information on Berg’s phone, the government goons send in a sultry, temptress to thwart Berg’s quest to regain his phone and his dignity.

Berg appears to surrender before being hit by a Taser.

The action builds as Berg valiantly tries to penetrate Secret Service security and the beautiful, blonde agent.  The verbal exchanges between the two are electric and charged with sexual tension. Take, for example, this riveting and brilliantly crafted dialog:

Berg: It took me about an hour and half to get here (Waikiki) from Kahala.

Agent: In your condition I’m surprised you made it here at all.

Or this:

Berg: You’re covering for ineptitude and incompetence!

Agent: No, Sir, I assure you we will tell everyone about you.

And, who could forget:

Berg: Are you one of those Federal f******g PIGS!  Is that a Taser? AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Crappy In-House Cartoon

Meanwhile On The Public Access Channel

Councilman Berg’s propensity for disrupting meetings calls for police restraint.

Obama Has A “Dan Quayle” Moment

President Obama greets a startled Abercrombie in fluent Mandarin.

At the recent APEC gathering in Hawaii, President Obama mistakenly referred to their current location as “Asia.”  It’s the type of misspeak made famous by Republican candidate Dan Quayle.  The sort that gets the Liberal media howling and condemning the transgressor as “too stupid to be electable.”  You know, the sort of mobbing they reserve for the faux pas by the Quayles, Palins, Cains and Perrys.  The type of opportunity that makes Jon Stewart wet himself. How would we know that Republicans are so stupid if the media wasn’t there to constantly remind us.

But, aside from a small snippet in FOX News, there wasn’t a peep about Obama’s 3,000 mile GPS malfunction.

It is unforgivable that Honolulu’s local media, at least, didn’t give this story the attention it deserved because it might have explained a lot.

Roundly criticised for snubbing the local garment industry by rejecting his aloha shirt photo op, President Obama may have simply been confused as to where he was.  Of course, it would seem inappropriate to don aloha attire if you think you were in Thailand or China. Clearly, the man had no idea where he was. I am sure he would have eagerly obliged had he only known he was actually in this “home” state.

This could also explain the discrepancies regarding his place of birth.  Maybe the president really meant someplace else…like Indonesia.  It’s really hard to keep all those asian locales straight.