U.H. Men’s Athletics Once Again Hamstrung With Swishy Moniker

New A.D. Ben Jay is flipping and flopping on his decision to install the “Warriors” as U.H.’s official nickname. In an effort to appease the progressive menehunes of Manoa Valley, he is now advocating reinstallation of the “Rainbow” theme.

The startling success of the June Jones years is a testament to how much easier it is to recruit athletically talented kids to a team call the “Warriors” vs the “Rainbows.” Jones had the good sense to get rid of the old albatross from the get go.  What if he hadn’t? Can you just hear him on the phone with a young Davone Bess…”

Yes, son I want you to play for the Rainbows,”

“The what?”

“The Rainbows,”

“Did you say the fucking Rainbows?”

“Yes, Davonne.”

“[3 minutes of uncontrollable laughter] Scuse me coach, I just pissed myself.”

What the “Rainbow” promoters seem to ignore is that; A. The old “Rainbows” were never very good and hardly worth memorializing, and B. since the ’60′s the LGBT community has sort of commandeered the rainbow motif. So, unless we’re going for the first openly gay team, we should maybe rethink this thing again before the “I’m so gay I shit rainbows” t-shirts go to press.

The menacing “black” look and “shark bite” logo will once again give way to a “rainbow and unicorn” motif.

Dr. Jay seems to have completely caved on his previous position and tried to downplay the nickname controversy. “Hey, I used to work for the “Buckeyes,”…what the hell is a buckeye?” “You seen our mascot…it looks like a horse turd out there jumping around…I mean, who the hell really cares.”  Jay’s epiphany seemed to come on the heels of a late night meeting with the Governor.

What goes with “rainbows?” asked the Governor’s spokesperson. “Unicorns!” Meet “Horney” the new U.H. mascot.

“Well, technically I work for the Governor,” said Jay, “And he has some real strong opinions about his “new day” agenda, which includes gay marriage and making Hawaii a kind of mecca for gay weddings.”

According to insiders, who wished to remain anonymous, the meeting between the Gov. and Jay was strained from the beginning, with Abercrombie insisted that macho, bullying in collegiate sports was counter to his “new day” image of Hawaii.  No more Haka’s, no more acting tough, no more of this “tackling” stuff.

According to one un-named source, who apparently attended the early morning meeting, “Jay was told in no uncertain terms to ‘gay it up’ or start looking for a new job.”

Former City Councilman Goes to Pot

Ex-Councilman Berg delivers a fiery pro-pot speech to crickets at the State Capitol.

A noticeably pudgier Tom Berg held a pro-legalization of marijuana rally at the State Capitol on Friday.  The most unusual aspect of the rally was that there was absolutely no audience for Berg’s barn-burner dope-advocacy speech.  Not a single person. Well, there was one guy with a nose ring (see photo) wandering around, but we’re pretty sure he was tending the PA system. Berg had also dropped his trademark suit and tie for a more casual Jimi Hendrix outfit.  Judging by his recently expanded girth he no longer fits into any of this older clothing.

A retro-looking Tom Berg urges his non-existent followers to “turn on and drop out.”

Photos by: Andrew Pereira via Facebook

Dojo mystic ousted from City administration

Erstwhile “Chief of Staff” to Mayor Caldwell, Harry Mattson, shown interviewing a potential City cabinet member.

One of Kirk Caldwell’s top advisors, Harry Mattson, recently wounded by public disclosure of his ongoing legal entanglements, has had his city job offer rescinded. Following an article in Hawaii Free Press, Honolulu’s stodgy and turgid media establishment slowing began to acknowledge the story.

Mattson and his political soulmate, Norma Wong, are deeply involved in the Daihonzan Chozen-Ji/International Zen Dojo, a secretive enclave deep in the forests of Kalihi Valley.  This private sanctuary is reserved for Hawaii’s local-kine version of the Illuminati, where they wander in the jungle mist  playing shakuhachi flutes and plot to take over the Island.  A sort of island-style Bohemian Grove experience for local bankers and top Democrat politicos. Once described by Malia Zimmerman in Hawaii Reporter thusly:

“Here high-ranking Democrat politicians and well-known political strategists practice a combination of meditation, martial arts and political strategy.”

and

“Loyal followers of the Dojo view themselves almost as ancient Asian warriors fighting to retain power and control in Hawaii.”

Apparently paying taxes in not high on the “to do” list of political warrior monks, leading to some outstanding obligations by Mattson.  Some in the city administration had already become increasingly uncomfortable with Mattson’s influence on the new Mayor, and his growing personal power over major administrative decisions.

“We started to notice that whenever Kirk and Harry were in the same room the Mayor looked kind of pie-eyed and never spoke a word,” said one Caldwell staffer, who wished to remain annonymous. “It was like watching that movie about Rasputin and Tsar Nicholas II.”

By all accounts Mattson was a hard working strategic adviser for the Caldwell campaign.

Before bloggers are removed from the journalist shield law…

There’s just a few things left we’d like to do.

Occupy Honolulu infestation spreading quickly

Nests started showing up late last year.

Since the end of last year the Occupy Honolulu “sit in” located around Thomas Square park has appeared to have gone feral. Honolulu Academy of Art Docent, Milicent Schniz-Berger said the nesting activity was initially mistaken for outdoor artwork. “We tried spraying and removing the nests, but they reappeared within a couple of days,” said Ms. Schniz-Berger. “The city really must do something before it really get’s out of control.”

The growing number of feral citizens has created some serious problems for museum goers says Schniz-Burger. “The little ones are up in the trees all day hooting and shrieking and they like to pee on the visitors.”

The current population appears to be descended from the original Occupy Honolulu participants from two years ago, but have since reverted to primitive tribal behavior after the checks from George Soros stopped coming.  Unable to purchase new tents from K-Mart, the “occupiers” started building their own shelters and catching pigeons for food.  The last individual capable of speech disappeared earlier this year.

Who will we send to Congress this time?

One chair, many butts.

Just as the last of the campaign banners are finally down from last year’s election…here we go again.  With the untimely death of Hawaii’s legendary Senator, Daniel K. Inouye, the Congressional pot is once again being stirred.  And, as Governor, Neil Abercrombie get’s to play chef, and like it or not, we have to eat whatever he serves up.  It would be hard for Neil to ignore Inouye’s last wishes and not appoint Colleen Hanabusa to fill his term.  But, all the choices remain with Neil, a political animal with his own demons,  who once ran for “Super Senator” back in the early seventies.  Is his unlikely dream now actually within his grasp? Technically…yes

Let’s take a look at some of the bizarre scenarios, including Senator Abercrombie, that could unfurl in the next few weeks.

Unless Dante Carpenter forwards his own name three times (you never know), the Democrat Party must submit three viable contenders from which the Guv will select his appointment to the U.S. Senate. If he selects, as Senator Inouye had wished, Colleen Hanabusa we then have an all-comers, battle royale for her open seat (see Congressional Battle Royale below).

It is beyond the perversities of human imagination to guess what shenanigans are afoot within the inner sanctum of the Democratic Party and who may survive to the final three.  It is, however, great fun to lampoon the process.

Will Neil Abercrombie just say “to hell with it” and grab the prize for himself?  There is no question that within his deep subconscious, next to his bong and SDS handbook, lurks the delusion of “Super Senator.”  Will he do it?  Could he weather the flak and arrows from angry Inouye loyalists over his renunciation the Senator’s dying wish?  Neil doesn’t really seem to like being governor much anymore, and had a much better time hanging out in Washington, DC, where nobody knew or cared what he was up to.  Will the dormant “Super Senator” dare to dawn his tights and soar up and away from Hawaii’s foolish voters.  Maybe.

Will he appoint Tulsi Gabbard…our recently elected Congresswoman?  Why not, she never did any of the other jobs which she was elected to do, and she could use it as a platform to immediately start running for President. Poetic justice, but unlikely.

Will Neil attempt to float a “placeholder” who will dutifully step down and allow for a full blown election?  Someone like his Lt. Governor, Brian Schatz, or one of the young bucks from the legislature?  Or would he call on one of his ‘good old boys’ for this roll…a nice plum for old times sake?  Would he have the balls to elevate a Ben, Dante, Calvin, Clayton, Walter or Dickie to the U.S. Senate for even a temporary stay?  Maybe, but doubtfull.  Too much baggage, anti-rail foolery and just plain gristle in that group.

No, he’ll probably settle down after wasting time reviewing every other ridiculous and damaging choice in great detail and forward Inouye’s original choice Colleen Hanabusa.

Congressional Battle Royale

And, THAT sets off part two of the chaos; a replacement election for the resulting open Congressional seat where unlimited candidates throw their hats into a winner-take all brawl.  Here’s the current Chinatown odds (way more accurate than Hawaii’s pollsters):

2 to 1 - Charles Djou – Came in second to Hanabusa, an R in a D’s world.

3 to 1 - Mufi Hannemann – Rejected by “progressive” liberals in D primaries, could do well in an open general.

6 to 1 - Linda Lingle –Will say and do anything to get elected and everybody knows it. Talks like a robot on valium.

9 to 1 - Ed Case – Still suffering from systemic poison sprinkled on him for dissing Akaka. His Democratic foliage continues to turn brown and drop off.

9 to 1 - Bu La’ia – Will exploit his recent Pancho’s Solar ads and outpoll Panos.

10 to 1 - John Carroll – What’s a campaign without John?

10 to 1 - Calvin Say – Attempting a dead cat bounce.

10 to 1 - John Waihee – Why not, he needs the money.

50 to 1 - Panos Prevedouros – Darling of the brainless anti-rail crowd, because that’s all that matters, right???

1000 to 1 - Tom Berg – You can’t keep a good man down…or, a raging lunatic either.

Councilman Tom Berg barricaded in his office

Other departing City Councilmen have graciously stepped aside and allowed the new Councilpersons for their district to take office. Tom Berg alone remains ensconced at Honolulu Hale, making it difficult for incoming Councilwoman Kym Pine, who clobbered him in the last election.  Apparently determined to stay to the last minute and milk every media opportunity that remains, Tom clings to his last vestages of power like a drowning raccoon hangs on to a hay bale.  In addition to whiny op-eds and snarky blog entries, Berg made one last-stand with his lone useless vote refusing to accept the $1.5 billion from the Federal Government for the Honolulu rail project.

Over The Transom

By BORS – Courtesty of Cartoon Movement

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

BO XIANG LI